Don't know what you got till it's gone

Oh I know what I had, and it was beautiful. Shirley's brief absence at the Ranch was wonderful.

But it all changed when I walked in this evening. She wasn't here, but the heat was blasting. Set to turn off at 80 degrees. Eighty mother-flippin degrees! Really?! Really Shirley? We live in Southern California, not Iowa. Put on a goddamn sweater. I know you have one with Captain Hook, idiot. Just for a couple months, I would like it if our utility bills weren't out of control, numb nuts. I rather be using that money for a deposit on a new place.

God help you if you do laundry late tonight.

Sleep with one eye open.

Holly-jolly Christmas

So I was hoping Shirley wouldn't give me anything for Christmas, but just in case I picked up a Target gift card. Low and behold, Santa Tink came early! She gave me a cute (!!!) toiletry bag, (how did that happen?) and these majestic button earrings. Mind you I never wear earrings, and if I did, these certainly would not be it.



Sooo, I decided that my gift card was a little too impersonal and headed off to my local Disney store. My roommate's mecca if you will. I figured I could get an ornament to add to the madness on the tree. Sadly there wasn't too much to choose from. So I weighed my options and got a Pooh ornament, deciding against the High School Musical one. Thinking the three dollar ornament wasn't enough, I spotted a glorious Tinkerbell mug and snatched that beauty up.



So for under ten dollars, I was able to get a super present.

I kept the gift card, in case you were wondering. Oh and if anyone wants those earrings, they are yours.

Vvvrrrrrroooooooooooooom F!

This is a Nascar-themed ornament. I knew they existed, but I didn't know people bought them. There is a car, a helmet and some marvelous balls.

I hope this isn't my gift

Why is this on the tree?? Unless you have a green thumb, this is a crappy gift.

The most amazing ornament of them all

Is courtesy of my mom. It may not be Disney, but it is still spectacular in all its glittery glory.

Magical Ornaments

Well the tree is finally finished and surprisingly, it's Disney-themed.





Please note that the dog below is not Shirley's dog. It's the dog that comes with the frame. I guess since it took her a month to decorate, it would be too much to ask for her to find a picture of her dog.

Hodge-podge of Christmas crapola

So does Santa come to the Ranch? I mean I guess the idea is kind of cute in theory, but it strikes me as a wee bit creepy. Or maybe she has some kids I don't know about. I am thinking about putting some cookies in the plate.



Even Olivia gets into the Christmas spirit around here!

Lastly, there is this amazing garland on the corkboard.



Yes, that is a Tinkerbell charm on her keys. Yes that is Hannah Montana. And yes that is JC from NSYNC up there.

Noooooooooooo

Shirley didn't come home last night. History has shown us that she doesn't spend the night at her parent's, but Douchebag's. I can only hope that she got sloshed at a bar and went home with some random dude. But sadly I don't think that is the case.

Maybe they broke up for good and she still spent the night? It seems like something she would do as a last ditch effort to win him back.

Merry Christmas, Tink

That right there is pure magic. "Faith, trust and pixie dust." I don't even know what to say.



Yes, that is pixie dust. She is obsessed. And decorating the tree is like a week long ordeal. She only seems to hang a couple ornaments a day. Guess she doesn't want to accomplish too much in a day.

So, a mustang crashes into a bucket...

So a few night ago, I was in my room, watching The Golden Girls. Don't be jealous. Sophia and the gang are awesome. Anyways, Shirley is reving the engine of her awesome car and I hear a big crash. I have no idea what it is but it couldn't be serious since Shirley took off, (to Never Neverland probably.) So I go to check out the situation and find that Valentine's Day and Easter threw up over the garage on my car.

So I was left to ponder many things. Did she put her car in drive? How did she not hear that she crashed into a giant tub of crap? (Oh wait, she watches the TV super loud and with closed captioning. Okay that answers that.) Why didn't she pick it up? Who uses blue easter grass?

She is spectacular.

This seems rational

I don't know about you, but when I break up with a boyfriend (even if it's temporary, errr lame) that is when I decide to deck out my room in photos of us in happier times.



This above work of art has been on the floor of her room since I moved in. No better time than on a break to hang it up!

I think my days of being Douchebag-free are numbered.

P.S. How awesome is the blue wall??

Update: Shirley spent the night at DB's the other night. But they are friends. Riiiiiiight.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Dream on

Some of you may remember that Shirley seems to have an infatuation with the word "dream." And Christmastime is no exception! I give you the following. By the way, these are the only two ornaments on the tree at the moment.



More Christmas fun to follow!

Shirley is SAD

Shirley and DB are still on a break, which has been AWESOME. Things are a lot more tolerable around the Ranch when you don't have a Douchebag and Douchedog to deal with.

That being said, Shirley has been miserable. And she has taken to her MySpace to express her sadness.



I don't think DB misses her. Although I am sure he misses his free dog care. Booyah!

P.S. Please notice her "16" username. I think that explains a lot.

Happy Thanksgiving!

So is this a joke? She can't possibly think I am a great roommate right? I mean I know I am considerate and all, but with all the times I have had to talk to her about stuff, she can't really think I am great, right?

HA.

(Happy) Anniversary?

As you may remember, Shirley and Douchebag are "on a break." Of course, being on a break means you still celebrate your anniversary. Where do you take your love for three years of breaking up and infidelity? La Salsa! Duh.

Hahahahahahahahaha. Yeah I am bitch. But I'm awesome.

He'll be back

Douchebag and Shirley are on a "break." This is just one of many, but the first that I have been privy to. Hopefully it lasts forever, or at least for a couple of months. He kind of lucked out cause now he doesn't have to get her an anniversary gift, go to Thanksgiving festivities and he just might miss Christmas!

So...

Anyone need a saw? Sure it's a little rusty, but I am sure it gets the job done.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Hi. So this picture was taken this weekend. In case you didn't know, Thanksgiving hasn't even happened yet.

And these boxes are a taste of what is to come. It should be a festive holiday here at the Ranch!!

Shirley is on my laundry (shit) list

"If you could refrain from doing laundry @ 1am that would be great. My room shares a wall with the washer and dryer so it's loud and annoying. Thanks!"

{Sorry for the poor quality. Doris was in the next room and I could not use the flash}

Doris said she responded by saying, "Well, I guess I can't do laundry." Yes Shirley, I want you to never have clean clothes again! And that she does laundry late before. Well I snapped and couldn't take it anymore. Duh. She is just selfish and clueless.

I love fishies cause they're so delicious

Doris is here for the weekend, and she walked into the bathroom she once shared with Shirley and exclaimed, "What. The. Fuck." What could evoke this kind of reaction from Doris you ask? Goldfish. You think, "Surely (or Shirley, ha!) you jest." Oh I do not.



Need a closer look? Yeah I thought so.



Those look suspiciously like fish won at a carnival. Wouldn't you stop at one? Two? Not Shirley. She is special. She must have thought, "NO! I must have SEVEN!"

Or perhaps she plans on cooking those suckers up for Douchebag. You never know with her.

***Update***
All the fish but one have died. R.I.P.

My head is going to explode

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I am pissed.

I went home at lunch and found the following:

-the heater set to go on. BTW it's 80 degrees at the moment. It has not been THAT cold at night. We live in SoCal!
-key under the brick
-Douchedog in the back

Soooo I need a new job stat (one where layoffs don't happen every other week + salary cuts) so I can move into a new place.

Oy vey!!

God Bless America

Shirley, who is 27 going on 12, has her parents fill out her ballot and mail it in for her. Nice. You can't even decide who you want for president??

She is pathetic.

Pure awesome

I love it when Shirley goes away for a few days. It doesn't happen very often, so I am loving this dog/douchebag-free environment. Woooooo!!!

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

You know, I always think I am going to run out of weird things to spotlight. But every so often, I discover a gem I have never seen before. I give you this lamp.



It's currently stationed in the garage (and rightfully so), but maybe one day this beaut will make her debut inside the Ranch. Until then little lady...

LOL

Shirley's parents came over to get her dog today. Shirley's mom said hopefully someone would be picking up Douchedog. Then she said "Have you met Douchebag?" Uhhh duh. So I said, "oh yeah." Methinks she doesn't like him. I added that he is over here a lot. To which she replied, "Almost too much, huh?" Bingo! Even her mom knows that DB is a tool.

Then her dad proceeded to clean up the shitload of beer bottles that Shirley leaves in the garage. Yay!

Ewwww. What is wrong with this woman?

I couldn't find a picture that properly illustrated what I am about to describe. Please use your imaginations.

Shirley was fixing a baked potato and Douchedog was begging for food. (Just like his dad. Oh snap!) Annnnnnnnyways, so she let him eat some potato off her fork, then proceeded to stick the fork (with dog germs) in margarine and back to her potato. Yum! Mmmm bacteria mixing.

I wanted to throw up.

Amazing

This is what Shirley looks like when she leaves for work in the morning. Sadly, I couldn't take a paparazzo shot, so this will do. Who drives around with curlers in their hair? Especially when said person is 27.

Personal space

I will liken the following story to being in an empty movie theatre when someone decides to sit right by you. TONS of seats, but they choose to get all up in your business.

Exhibit A: This is my lone shelf on the door of the fridge. There are four, I have one. Notice how I have a little bit of extra space. (Side note: I had to do some fancy maneuvering so I could have a shelf in the first place.)



Exhibit B: Shirley will have none of that, even though she has shitloads of room elsewhere. So what does she do? Puts her giant bottle of Tapatio (and tabasco) on my shelf.



Exhibit C: Look at allllll that room she has! So I moved her crap next to her big-ass bottle of ranch dressing.



And just for shits and giggles, I wanted to show you how much food she has in the fridge. Seriously...who needs that much food? I have circled my food for your convenience. See if you can spot the glass of OJ that seems to be settling and the gatorade bottle filled with milk! FUN!



Respect the Ranch Wrangler, damnit!!

A friendly reminder...

So that means don't do laundry at 11pm (especially when I share a wall with the washer/dryer.) And don't rake leaves at 11pm especially when my window is right by the entry-way.

Good day.

gggggggggsus

Let me first say, I don't care if someone is religious. However, I find the below a wee bit disturbing. Shirley follows a Christian band around whenever they are in SoCal and this weekend was no exception.

I can't get confirmation on whether or not Shirley attended this festival, but it was written on the white board under her to do's. The Revolve Tour is an "event for teen girls."

"All Access is a Friday night – Saturday event designed 

for 6th through 12th grade girls. 

(But girls who are a little younger or older come, too . . . 

and we hear they enjoy it!)"

WHY is a 27 year old WOMAN (I use that term loosely), attending an event meant for GIRLS 18 and under?

She is so effin' weird. 

In case you want to check it out....

What's behind door number one?

This eye-sore is the inside of the panty. Who put all that crap there you ask? Shirley? No. The previous owner! We got grocery lists, recipes, business cards, coupons, you name it!

Did someone say they needed a hummingbird food recipe? Well say no more...I got you covered! "Hummer Food" Heh.



I am personally a fan of the tiger below.



And in case you need to give CPR, there is also a cheat sheet on that. You're in good hands when you come to the Ranch!

I am a broken record

Douchebag was in the house again yesterday morning while Shitley was at work. This is not ok but it continues to happen. Which leads me to my next questions. Would it be out of line to take the house key that Shirley and DB leave under a brick?

poll by twiigs.com

Look at what we have here...

I stumbled upon something today. Now look at that little brick. It's away from it's little brick friends. It probably wants to go back to them. I think I will pick it up and move it back.



What's this?? A key? To what? Oh the ranch! DB used this to lock up this morning. (For once.) Now I do not know if it's always there or if Shirley left it this one time. (Probably not, she doesn't have a good track record.) Annnnyways I was going to take it (hehe) but decided I would wait in case it was her key. She has it coming, but I don't want to lock her out that kind of sucks. But it really irks me that he might have access to the house whenever he wants. And I know it's not kept there in case one of us gets locked out cause she has never told me about it.

So I guess this is how DB gets Douchedog when no is around? Fabulous.

Update: It was her house key so I decided not to take it. Doesn't mean I won't in the future. Why does he need a key? He doesn't live there! Well technically he doesn't...

It never ends

DB came over last night (or this morning) around 3am or something ridicilous. (Classy). Shirley has left for work and DB is still here. Yipee!

Hodge-podge of crap

-I talked to Shirley about the A/C issue. She flat out denied using it. I know and she knows that she is a liar. When I told her I have come home on several occasions to find the air on (and no one home) she said, "I haven't turned the air on." How can I argue with that. It's like arguing with a monkey. So when the bill comes, and if it's more than it should be, I will refuse to pay half. 

-DB dropped a deuce in MY bathroom. Probably cause it's cleaner than Shirley's.

-Shirley broke my egg slicer. To which she also denies. It was working last time I used it. You dumb B. I guess the dogs got a hankering for egg salad sandwiches.

-Shirley wears so much blush she borders on being a clown.

So what have we learned? Shirley is a liar who moonlights as a circus performer. 

An oldie but a goodie

Ha. This just doesn't get old. Peanut butter. As decoration! And that hat! Wow.

Now taking bets...

I hope to talk to Shitley tonight about her sudden increase in consumption of the air conditioning. Considering that it's getting cooler and that she hates paying utilities, methinks she is doing it to get back at me. So I will just be a giant bitch I guess and call her on her tom foolery.

Do you think there will be tears tonight?

A mellow week

Last weekend I went to Arizona and while there, I met up with Doris. Afterwards Doris called Shirley and told her that she hung out with me. To which Shirley said "you ran into each other?" (Yeah dummy) "You have each other's numbers? I didn't know you guys talked. What was she doing there?" Me thinks that Shirley was maybe jealous? Mad that I talk to our ex-roommate more than her? Who knows. She is mental.

Nothing new to report. Things haven't changed much since I made Shirley cry. The damn dog is here, and even though it is getting cooler, the A/C is running more than ever it seems. Not quite sure what to do since being direct doesn't work with her nor does being passive aggressive. Any thoughts??

Just cause

{from CuteOverload}

So much for that

I kind of thought my posts would slow down since I had the chat with Shirley, but it turns out that it didn't really have any impact on her. The Douches (bag and dog) were around all weekend as was the air in an unoccupied ranch. I think there is something mentally wrong with her.

Or she is just a clueless douchebag lovin' nutjob idiot.

That was unexpected!

Wow. Shirley cried. I told her I wasn't cool with the air being on when no one was around and also asked why Douchedog was here all the time. WELL, that opened a can of worms. Suddenly the conversation turned to Douchebag being here all the time to Shirley crying. Dang! I swear I wasn't mean. Stern yes, but not a bitch. She said he wasn't going to be around. I stressed I didn't care if he was over, but just not ALL THE TIME. And if he wants to be over all the time, then he should pay for some utilities. He said he felt he couldn't be here and didn't feel welcomed. HAHAHAHA WTF? You want me to be his friend? I don't think so. She was uber defensive. Awesome!



Turns out DB wanted to take Douchedog to a shelter cause he just can't really take care of him. Hmm idiot maybe you should have never gotten the dog to begin with? I feel for the dog, I really do, but he isn't my problem. When you open your home to someone, you got to be respectful. Duh.

So hopefully that problem will be fixed. If not, then I need to hightail it out of this place!

Yeehaw!

Let's get ready to rumble!

I had to go home briefly on my lunch break, and when I did, I discovered that the air conditioning was on along with the porch light. Douchedog was also at the Ranch. I assumed Shirley was at work but before I jumped to conclusions I texted her to make sure that was the case and I have yet to hear from her. So yes, I think she left the air running while at work. Which is so wasteful and pointless. That unit sucks, is expensive and is definitely not energy efficient. So basically I am paying for her (and Douchebag) to keep cool cause it does jack-shit in my room. So now I am pumping myself up to give her a talkin' too.

I am not going to put up with her assholery anymore dammit.

Dear Shitley errrr Shirley....

While I realize it might be a little lame to have left a note, I really do not enjoy talking to her. (And I am kind of a weenie). But this note doesn't seem to have helped much...she still is hiding the remote. HAHAHAHA. Awesome!

Don't even get me started on the fans in her room that she has left on for months. I hope they overheat and blow up.

P.S. Can Douchebag please not walk around in his underwear? Thanks a million!

How many in your party?

Yep, this is at the Ranch. There is a straw dispenser, check holder, fake flowers, uhhhh... a candy cane. It's so spectacular. Yet it's never used. I wonder why?

No one wants to see that

DB, please put on a shirt while cooking breakfast. Thanks.

RW

Hahahaha. DB is gross, but this is funny

My friend Jessica sent this to me, so I had to share. Apologies to my family but I thought it was so appropriate. (Just the key to the place). Should I post this on the fridge??

#2

Hey douchebag. Let's try not to take a dump in my bathroom, mmmmkay? I love nothing more than coming home to the smell of air freshener in my bathroom. Use Shirley's bathroom you dumbass. You use her for everything else, why not her toilet?

Baaahahahahahahahaha

Guess who is trying out to be a fairy (or Mickey Mouse) at Disneyland?? Shirrrrrrrley is. Yesssss.

Bad news

Doris called me to let me know that I am getting a new roommate. When Shirley is going to tell me, I don't know. This new roommate will be sharing Shirley's bedroom. Fabulous. I can't wait to start sharing everything with a third person again. I feel sorry for this girl cause I already hate her.

Also, Shirley (or Douchebag) finished a bottle of vodka of mine in the freezer. Granted it was almost empty and I was probably never going to drink it, but don't drink stuff that isn't yours. When I left Shirley a note about it, she replied, "the red bottle?" Hey dipshit, how many bottles of vodka were there? Only one.

I curse the day you were born Shirley!

Heidi ho neighbor

Home Improvement mug - check

The OC game on display - check

Movie projector - check

Busted camera - check

Just another day at the ranch!