Shirley sucks at laundry, continued

Did Shirley have some sort of laundry emergency this morning at 3am? Did she have to have some dish towels or socks washed right away??? Does she not remember I share a wall with the washer and dryer? Has she always been a selfish, oblivious whack-job? I really want to know the answers to these questions!

Oh helllllllllll nah

Well that took a nanosecond.

Shirley has got to me one of the most self-absorbed and immature people I have ever met. I came home tonight to find Shirley parked in the driveway and Douchebag parked in the garage. Leaving me to park on the street. Which isn't a big deal, but I pay rent. Douchebag doesn't. That spot in the garage is mine bitch! So I said to Shirley, "He sure didn't waste any time moving in," (I know, I know, very passive aggressive, but I was pissed.) So she responded with a snotty "I invited him over." Ummm how is that relevant? Idiot.

I just want to slap them both for having their heads up their asses.

Goodbye Doris

Sadly Doris could not handle sharing a room with Shirley anymore. I do not blame her. Shirley is self-centered and never adjusted to another person being in her room. Which means I am all alone in the Ranch with crazy Shirley. I am sure Douchebag and Rat Dog will be there almost every night, which I am really looking forward to.

So long Doris! I will miss bitchin' about Shirley to you.

The pictureless frame

Next to the lasso, this is my favorite piece of decor in the ranch. What purpose does it serve? Is she waiting for the perfect Peter Pan picture to place in it? I want to put a picture of myself in it, but I'm not sure if that is the route I want to take. Any suggestions?

The fridge. Let me show you it.

So Shirley likes her sugar. Like REALLY likes it.



I mean seriously, who drinks koolaid past age eight? The cowboy on the Real World in LA did, but that is all that I can recall. Also, Shirley full on grocery shops at her parents, hence that nasty looking container of milk.



How much ice cream does one person need? And lastly, what is ice cream without all the fixins??



And a little extra tidbit of info. Shirley has been eating mayo that expired in April. Maybe that's why she has been so bitchy lately.

This can't be healthy

Shirley washes and reuses ziplock bags. I am serious, stop laughing. Ok it's funny. And weird. I think she has like three, and just rotates through them. Then when she is done with them, she picks up more at her parents.

It had to end sometime

Shirley comes home tonight after being gone for a few days. I am sad. 

In any event, I hope her return brings about some stellar material. 

Shirley is a hoarder

Have you ever wondered what happens to phonebooks? Most people either throw them away, or just keep a set. You know like the most recent year. But not Shirley. Oh no cause that would be normal. She keeps them all. She is so weird. I really can't say that enough.

Things have been pretty quiet around the ranch. Doris is still gone and Shirley left for a couple days. Woohoo! Time to redecorate.

How Douchebag got his name

1. He thinks the Ranch is his personal doggie daycare. He drops off his dog just about every morning (or leaves it there if he spends the night). Generally is doesn't pick up Rat Dog until late.

2. On the weekends, instead of going out with Shirley, he drops off his dog to party then calls her at 3am to pick Rat Dog up.

3. He has a key to the place and lets himself in and hangs out when Shirley isn't around.

4. He lets Shirley do his laundry. Shirley is dumb.

Tuesday night roundup!

Nothing too out of the ordinary, but nonetheless, very annoying.

- K, so I know groceries are expensive...times are tough. But why did Shirley have to steal my last banana that I was planning on incorporating into a delicious and nutritious breakfast?

- Who turns on the air (a douche, perhaps?) at 3am? The thermostat said 74 degrees. That is not hot.  Air conditioning is expensive people! You can bet Douchebag isn't chipping in. Believe that. 

- I was awoken by the sounds last night of Rat Dog and Shirley's dog barking and running all over the ranch. Yesssssss.

**Doris went home for the week so I am sure these shenanigans will continue all week. Aww yea!

The legendary donut

What's this all about donuts in the bathroom you ask? Let me tell you.

A few weeks back, I came home on a Sunday afternoon. I went into my bathroom to find a box of donuts (not even the good kind) next to the toilet. Apparently Douchebag had drank a wee bit too much the night before and got sick. And he thought donuts would help him feel better. I often eat donuts while sitting on the can. But since he is in his own world, much like Shirley, he didn't even think to clean up after himself.  

And that my friends is my story about finding donuts in the bathroom. 

You can't make this up

Doris alerted me to the fact today that Shirley has a jar of Peter Pan peanut butter next to her bed...for decoration. Shirley loooooves her some Peter Pan!

New decor at the ranch

The decor above the fridge is amazing. Dead flowers, empty liquor bottles. Very classy.



So my cowboy and I finished up a bottle of wine and I left the empty bottle in the kitchen and was going to throw it away later. Little did I know, I have contributed to the mood here at the ranch!

Check it-

Shirley sucks at laundry

It is really so trivial, really. But I just don't understand it.

Shirley will often start a load of laundry before leaving for work or just running errands. But then that leaves me or Doris to deal with it if we need to do ours. Just common courtesy really. Which Shirley has none. Last night Shirley did a load of laundry with a single pair of jeans. This morning was the kicker. Before she left for work, I guess it was really important that she had TWO dish towels clean. Honestly. How dumb is that? It's so wasteful. And so wetarded.

An open letter

Dear Shirley,

I know on your days off, you keep a busy schedule. Between doing your boyfriend's laundry, following Christian pop-punk bands around and hanging out with 21 year olds, it is hard to find time to do your own laundry. But, can you please not wait until 1am to start it? I think maybe you forgot that the washer and dryer share a wall with my bedroom.

Thanks,
Ranch Wrangler

Is it really THAT bad?

Well I suppose it could be worse. I could be living with a crackwhore and her crack-baby. Or perhaps with a transvestite hooker. I do have a flair for the dramatic.

In any event, let me show you some of the ranch...

First and foremost, the namesake of the blog really:

Yep, I get to look at this beaut every time I come home. Don't be jealous.

The following is kinda vintage. Please don't email me, trying to persuade me to give it to you. Shirley watches this with the closed captioning on. I am pretty sure she has a hearing problem since she talks so loud. It also has the inability to get regular television on it. It is truly an amazing advance in technology.

Lastly, I give to you what Shirley finds entertaining. I think this speaks volumes about the person I am currently writing a rent check too (well to her parents anyways).

Over and out.

Weekend roundup

1. Douchebag picked up Rat Dog at 3am and right outside my window. Yeah, he isn't using Shirley at all.

2. Someone was doing laundry at midnight on a work night. Not sure who it was but I will go with Shirley since she has done laundry at 4am before. Nutjob.

3. Douchebag is scared of me, at least so I have heard. I can't even describe how awesome that is.