Morning courtesies...

Shirley, at 5:20am please don't...

...Call and whistle for your dog right outside my window

...Slam the doors

...Rev up your engine. (And several times no less since your car didn't start up until the third time).

Thanks,
Your super happy roommate

Hey, idiot!

I know we would both prefer not to have roommates, but I am paying you (well your parents) to live here, so leave me a f'n space in the garage.

What is wrong with these people???

On several occasions I have come home after Shirley's dad has worked on something on the house to find my toilet filled with urine. For some reason, Shirley's dad has an aversion to flushing. Fine if you want to conserve in your own house, but don't do it in your daughter's roommate's bathroom!

I came home to a bowlful of piss tonight. It was lovely. Sorry I did not document it, but I have class.

Experiment #2

See that beautiful boot up there? I got that at the Target dollar bin and thought it would be perfect for the Ranch. I went away for the weekend and came back to find a FABULOUS new entertainment center in the living room. As you can see, it's very modern and sophisticated. AND she loved the boot so much, that she moved it on top of that! I am so excited I could contribute.

I'm not one to judge...

Ok, yes I am. Who am I kidding? But I thought this was interesting. See for yourself.

Keg stand anyone?


OoOOoo trippy fog.


And now, we repent.

Tick tock, tick tock

WTF. Shirley has a two foot (maybe three) crocodile in her room. Have I mentioned Peter Pan is her favorite??

What a freak.

Shirley STILL sucks at laundry

As you may or may not remember, Shirley is pretty idiotic when it comes to doing laundry. And maybe you think I am being Nazi, but there is only so much Douchedog sitting, early morning laundry sessions and door slamming this ranch wrangler can handle.

The following is just dumb. I am by no means "green," BUT, you have to have more things to wash than FOUR dish towels. I mean come on! Look how empty that thing is! Throw in some bath towels, your Peter Pan nightie that you (probably) wear. Anything! Get with the program Shirley!

Reminder: Shirley is 27

Yes, that is JC from the boy band, Nsync. And apparently, he's her celebrity crush! She says that thing is old, but why still display it. Hello! You are almost 30. She never ceases to amaze me.

Keep dreaming, dreamer

I am going out on a limb here, but I think Shirley's favorite word is "Dream." How inspirational. 

An experiment

My friends put these beer bottles on the fireplace. I think they look lovely. How long until Shirley removes them? Or will she think that they add to the overall ambiance of the ranch? Only time will tell...

Update: We are still going strong!
Update #2: Almost two weeks later and it is still up. I think we got a keeper!

Shirley looooooves wieners

There is all sorts of awesome going on in the cupboard.

Morton Salt coffee cups, hot dog baskets and MORE hot dog baskets. SO amazing and perplexing. She is planning on having a cookout? Opening up her own hot dog stand? A roadside coffee stand? I need to know!

It's not my fault you are an idiot

Saturday morning I was going to cook some eggs (mmmm eggs) and spotted a bee. Fabulous. My cowboy killed it, then two more appeared. Wonderful. There were also some hovering out in the back and in the doghouse. I figure they came in when Shirley leaves the door open all night for the dogs to pee. Which is also safe. Incidentally, Douchebag was sleeping in Shirley's room (even though she was at work and he doesn't live here.)

Moving on. We leave The Ranch and call Shirley's dad (aka the landlord) and filled him in so he could take care of the situation.

We came back to find the following awesome note on the whiteboard. Unfortunately, I did not have my camera, so the following is a re-creation.



This little note made my day. Me hopes that Douchebag and her dad ran into one another. Preferably while Douchebag was making a sandwich or sleeping in her bed. I really enjoyed that the note was addressed to both of them. The reference to the feces was equally as enjoyable. Shirley is in trouble hahahahahaha sucker.

That night I got some passive aggressive/retarded texts from Shirley. Don't get mad at me cause you are retarded and got in trouble by your daddy.

I don't even have time for her.

I won't grow up

Shirley loves Peter Pan. In fact, I am pretty sure she is suffering from Peter Pan syndrome. She is 27 but acts 17. And with that, I present you with this haunting and creepy image.



Yep your eyes do not deceive you. Those are Peter Pan ornaments she has stuck to the ceiling. Christ almighty.