The beginning of the end

Douchedog was over the other night. Thankfully his douchey owner was not, but it's just a sign that Shirley has caved and going back to being a doormat and doing whatever DB wants. And like the good little whipped girlfriend (or whatever) she is, she brought the dog over that night. At a whorish hour to be sure!

What a good little Shitley.

It was fun while it lasted

Well le bag of douche spent the night last night. At least I am assuming he did. I can't imagine he woke up early to see Shirley off at work at 7am. Being the classy guy he is, he came over sometime after midnight. We all know what that means...Booooooo-tay!

While I don't know for sure whether these two knuckleheads are back together, it looks to be headed that way.

Looks like my glorious Douchebag/Douchedog-free Ranch days are numbered.

(Happy) Anniversary?

As you may remember, Shirley and Douchebag are "on a break." Of course, being on a break means you still celebrate your anniversary. Where do you take your love for three years of breaking up and infidelity? La Salsa! Duh.

Hahahahahahahahaha. Yeah I am bitch. But I'm awesome.

He'll be back

Douchebag and Shirley are on a "break." This is just one of many, but the first that I have been privy to. Hopefully it lasts forever, or at least for a couple of months. He kind of lucked out cause now he doesn't have to get her an anniversary gift, go to Thanksgiving festivities and he just might miss Christmas!

My head is going to explode

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I am pissed.

I went home at lunch and found the following:

-the heater set to go on. BTW it's 80 degrees at the moment. It has not been THAT cold at night. We live in SoCal!
-key under the brick
-Douchedog in the back

Soooo I need a new job stat (one where layoffs don't happen every other week + salary cuts) so I can move into a new place.

Oy vey!!

I am a broken record

Douchebag was in the house again yesterday morning while Shitley was at work. This is not ok but it continues to happen. Which leads me to my next questions. Would it be out of line to take the house key that Shirley and DB leave under a brick?

poll by twiigs.com

Look at what we have here...

I stumbled upon something today. Now look at that little brick. It's away from it's little brick friends. It probably wants to go back to them. I think I will pick it up and move it back.



What's this?? A key? To what? Oh the ranch! DB used this to lock up this morning. (For once.) Now I do not know if it's always there or if Shirley left it this one time. (Probably not, she doesn't have a good track record.) Annnnyways I was going to take it (hehe) but decided I would wait in case it was her key. She has it coming, but I don't want to lock her out that kind of sucks. But it really irks me that he might have access to the house whenever he wants. And I know it's not kept there in case one of us gets locked out cause she has never told me about it.

So I guess this is how DB gets Douchedog when no is around? Fabulous.

Update: It was her house key so I decided not to take it. Doesn't mean I won't in the future. Why does he need a key? He doesn't live there! Well technically he doesn't...

It never ends

DB came over last night (or this morning) around 3am or something ridicilous. (Classy). Shirley has left for work and DB is still here. Yipee!

Hodge-podge of crap

-I talked to Shirley about the A/C issue. She flat out denied using it. I know and she knows that she is a liar. When I told her I have come home on several occasions to find the air on (and no one home) she said, "I haven't turned the air on." How can I argue with that. It's like arguing with a monkey. So when the bill comes, and if it's more than it should be, I will refuse to pay half. 

-DB dropped a deuce in MY bathroom. Probably cause it's cleaner than Shirley's.

-Shirley broke my egg slicer. To which she also denies. It was working last time I used it. You dumb B. I guess the dogs got a hankering for egg salad sandwiches.

-Shirley wears so much blush she borders on being a clown.

So what have we learned? Shirley is a liar who moonlights as a circus performer. 

So much for that

I kind of thought my posts would slow down since I had the chat with Shirley, but it turns out that it didn't really have any impact on her. The Douches (bag and dog) were around all weekend as was the air in an unoccupied ranch. I think there is something mentally wrong with her.

Or she is just a clueless douchebag lovin' nutjob idiot.

That was unexpected!

Wow. Shirley cried. I told her I wasn't cool with the air being on when no one was around and also asked why Douchedog was here all the time. WELL, that opened a can of worms. Suddenly the conversation turned to Douchebag being here all the time to Shirley crying. Dang! I swear I wasn't mean. Stern yes, but not a bitch. She said he wasn't going to be around. I stressed I didn't care if he was over, but just not ALL THE TIME. And if he wants to be over all the time, then he should pay for some utilities. He said he felt he couldn't be here and didn't feel welcomed. HAHAHAHA WTF? You want me to be his friend? I don't think so. She was uber defensive. Awesome!



Turns out DB wanted to take Douchedog to a shelter cause he just can't really take care of him. Hmm idiot maybe you should have never gotten the dog to begin with? I feel for the dog, I really do, but he isn't my problem. When you open your home to someone, you got to be respectful. Duh.

So hopefully that problem will be fixed. If not, then I need to hightail it out of this place!

Yeehaw!

No one wants to see that

DB, please put on a shirt while cooking breakfast. Thanks.

RW

Hahahaha. DB is gross, but this is funny

My friend Jessica sent this to me, so I had to share. Apologies to my family but I thought it was so appropriate. (Just the key to the place). Should I post this on the fridge??

#2

Hey douchebag. Let's try not to take a dump in my bathroom, mmmmkay? I love nothing more than coming home to the smell of air freshener in my bathroom. Use Shirley's bathroom you dumbass. You use her for everything else, why not her toilet?

It's not my fault you are an idiot

Saturday morning I was going to cook some eggs (mmmm eggs) and spotted a bee. Fabulous. My cowboy killed it, then two more appeared. Wonderful. There were also some hovering out in the back and in the doghouse. I figure they came in when Shirley leaves the door open all night for the dogs to pee. Which is also safe. Incidentally, Douchebag was sleeping in Shirley's room (even though she was at work and he doesn't live here.)

Moving on. We leave The Ranch and call Shirley's dad (aka the landlord) and filled him in so he could take care of the situation.

We came back to find the following awesome note on the whiteboard. Unfortunately, I did not have my camera, so the following is a re-creation.



This little note made my day. Me hopes that Douchebag and her dad ran into one another. Preferably while Douchebag was making a sandwich or sleeping in her bed. I really enjoyed that the note was addressed to both of them. The reference to the feces was equally as enjoyable. Shirley is in trouble hahahahahaha sucker.

That night I got some passive aggressive/retarded texts from Shirley. Don't get mad at me cause you are retarded and got in trouble by your daddy.

I don't even have time for her.

Oh helllllllllll nah

Well that took a nanosecond.

Shirley has got to me one of the most self-absorbed and immature people I have ever met. I came home tonight to find Shirley parked in the driveway and Douchebag parked in the garage. Leaving me to park on the street. Which isn't a big deal, but I pay rent. Douchebag doesn't. That spot in the garage is mine bitch! So I said to Shirley, "He sure didn't waste any time moving in," (I know, I know, very passive aggressive, but I was pissed.) So she responded with a snotty "I invited him over." Ummm how is that relevant? Idiot.

I just want to slap them both for having their heads up their asses.

How Douchebag got his name

1. He thinks the Ranch is his personal doggie daycare. He drops off his dog just about every morning (or leaves it there if he spends the night). Generally is doesn't pick up Rat Dog until late.

2. On the weekends, instead of going out with Shirley, he drops off his dog to party then calls her at 3am to pick Rat Dog up.

3. He has a key to the place and lets himself in and hangs out when Shirley isn't around.

4. He lets Shirley do his laundry. Shirley is dumb.

Tuesday night roundup!

Nothing too out of the ordinary, but nonetheless, very annoying.

- K, so I know groceries are expensive...times are tough. But why did Shirley have to steal my last banana that I was planning on incorporating into a delicious and nutritious breakfast?

- Who turns on the air (a douche, perhaps?) at 3am? The thermostat said 74 degrees. That is not hot.  Air conditioning is expensive people! You can bet Douchebag isn't chipping in. Believe that. 

- I was awoken by the sounds last night of Rat Dog and Shirley's dog barking and running all over the ranch. Yesssssss.

**Doris went home for the week so I am sure these shenanigans will continue all week. Aww yea!

The legendary donut

What's this all about donuts in the bathroom you ask? Let me tell you.

A few weeks back, I came home on a Sunday afternoon. I went into my bathroom to find a box of donuts (not even the good kind) next to the toilet. Apparently Douchebag had drank a wee bit too much the night before and got sick. And he thought donuts would help him feel better. I often eat donuts while sitting on the can. But since he is in his own world, much like Shirley, he didn't even think to clean up after himself.  

And that my friends is my story about finding donuts in the bathroom. 

Weekend roundup

1. Douchebag picked up Rat Dog at 3am and right outside my window. Yeah, he isn't using Shirley at all.

2. Someone was doing laundry at midnight on a work night. Not sure who it was but I will go with Shirley since she has done laundry at 4am before. Nutjob.

3. Douchebag is scared of me, at least so I have heard. I can't even describe how awesome that is.