Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

You know, I always think I am going to run out of weird things to spotlight. But every so often, I discover a gem I have never seen before. I give you this lamp.



It's currently stationed in the garage (and rightfully so), but maybe one day this beaut will make her debut inside the Ranch. Until then little lady...

LOL

Shirley's parents came over to get her dog today. Shirley's mom said hopefully someone would be picking up Douchedog. Then she said "Have you met Douchebag?" Uhhh duh. So I said, "oh yeah." Methinks she doesn't like him. I added that he is over here a lot. To which she replied, "Almost too much, huh?" Bingo! Even her mom knows that DB is a tool.

Then her dad proceeded to clean up the shitload of beer bottles that Shirley leaves in the garage. Yay!

Ewwww. What is wrong with this woman?

I couldn't find a picture that properly illustrated what I am about to describe. Please use your imaginations.

Shirley was fixing a baked potato and Douchedog was begging for food. (Just like his dad. Oh snap!) Annnnnnnnyways, so she let him eat some potato off her fork, then proceeded to stick the fork (with dog germs) in margarine and back to her potato. Yum! Mmmm bacteria mixing.

I wanted to throw up.

Amazing

This is what Shirley looks like when she leaves for work in the morning. Sadly, I couldn't take a paparazzo shot, so this will do. Who drives around with curlers in their hair? Especially when said person is 27.

Personal space

I will liken the following story to being in an empty movie theatre when someone decides to sit right by you. TONS of seats, but they choose to get all up in your business.

Exhibit A: This is my lone shelf on the door of the fridge. There are four, I have one. Notice how I have a little bit of extra space. (Side note: I had to do some fancy maneuvering so I could have a shelf in the first place.)



Exhibit B: Shirley will have none of that, even though she has shitloads of room elsewhere. So what does she do? Puts her giant bottle of Tapatio (and tabasco) on my shelf.



Exhibit C: Look at allllll that room she has! So I moved her crap next to her big-ass bottle of ranch dressing.



And just for shits and giggles, I wanted to show you how much food she has in the fridge. Seriously...who needs that much food? I have circled my food for your convenience. See if you can spot the glass of OJ that seems to be settling and the gatorade bottle filled with milk! FUN!



Respect the Ranch Wrangler, damnit!!

A friendly reminder...

So that means don't do laundry at 11pm (especially when I share a wall with the washer/dryer.) And don't rake leaves at 11pm especially when my window is right by the entry-way.

Good day.

gggggggggsus

Let me first say, I don't care if someone is religious. However, I find the below a wee bit disturbing. Shirley follows a Christian band around whenever they are in SoCal and this weekend was no exception.

I can't get confirmation on whether or not Shirley attended this festival, but it was written on the white board under her to do's. The Revolve Tour is an "event for teen girls."

"All Access is a Friday night – Saturday event designed 

for 6th through 12th grade girls. 

(But girls who are a little younger or older come, too . . . 

and we hear they enjoy it!)"

WHY is a 27 year old WOMAN (I use that term loosely), attending an event meant for GIRLS 18 and under?

She is so effin' weird. 

In case you want to check it out....

What's behind door number one?

This eye-sore is the inside of the panty. Who put all that crap there you ask? Shirley? No. The previous owner! We got grocery lists, recipes, business cards, coupons, you name it!

Did someone say they needed a hummingbird food recipe? Well say no more...I got you covered! "Hummer Food" Heh.



I am personally a fan of the tiger below.



And in case you need to give CPR, there is also a cheat sheet on that. You're in good hands when you come to the Ranch!

I am a broken record

Douchebag was in the house again yesterday morning while Shitley was at work. This is not ok but it continues to happen. Which leads me to my next questions. Would it be out of line to take the house key that Shirley and DB leave under a brick?

poll by twiigs.com