I'm OUTTIES!!!

My time at the Ranch has come to an end. There is a tiny part of me that will miss the drama and ridiculousness that is Shirley, Douchebag and Douchedog. But not enough for me to stay.

Moving day was fairly uneventful. She left me a message on the whiteboard telling me to have a great weekend and "Thanks for being my rm-mate." Oh no Shirley, THANK YOU. You have made me see how truly crazy and oblivious some people can be. I have enjoyed dissecting your unhealthy relationship with Douchebag, being flabbergasted by your lack of maturity and ability to own up to your selfishness. It's been a humorous and stressful ride. Thanks to those who followed and commented.

What did I write in response to Shirley?

The key is under the goose.

PEACE OUT!!!!

WOOHOOO!

Tomorrow is moving day. Yesssssss.

Let it be known that Shirley and I have not said one word to each other since I put in my notice. HAHA!

This is the random crap I will miss discovering

What purpose do these serve? I mean I know why doctors use them and such, but why Shirley? Does she use them so she doesn't get pixie dust all over her hands?


Ummm this is not healthy or appetizing.


And this broken light bulb has been on this empty bottle for months. Is she waiting to recycle it or what?

Helloooooo

I had to call Shirley's dad to let him know that the kitchen sink was clogged and was also hoping he would ask me why I was leaving. After I told him about the sink, he said, "We're going to miss you around here." Uhhh awkward! I said, "Yeaaaa it's a great location, it just wasn't working out anymore..." Now is your chance buddy! Instead he asked me if I was getting married. HA! Uhh no sir, I am leaving cause your daughter is a real whackjob. I tried to be positive and told him that Doris would probably move in but he said she isn't dependable like me. Well DUH. Should have told Shirley that. He repeated that a couple times before he wished me luck. Aww. Well he isn't completely clueless about Shirley, but he still coddles her so I don't have too much sympathy for him.

Off topic, but Doris needs to lose my number. She is headed into stalker status.

Oye vey.

Shirley...

1. Your dog smells. Please wash him.

2. Please go back on vacation and remain there until I am gone. I did not miss you.

Toodles!

WOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

I AM LEAVING THE RANCH!!!! Yeah buddy! More to follow but yeehaw!!

My last day at the Ranch will be March 3rd.

Giddy up!!

It's been REAL nice

This is how it's been at the Ranch lately. Minus the beautiful scenery. Since I am a big meanie, Douchebag hasn't spent the night once and Shirley goes over there often. YES! See ya suckas!

Party time!

- Shirley didn't come home alllll weekend. It was glorious. I guess that's what happens when you have a roommate that is a baby and has to run home to mommy and daddy.

- Shirley would also not speak to me on Monday. Ahh maturity.

- The lovely decor in my bathroom is no longer. On Monday it was suddenly gone. Very strange indeed.

- Shirley cooked dinner and brought it over to Douchebag's. She is clearly trying to show him what a good little wifey she will make.

- As of January 19th, the Christmas decorations had been taken down. Woo!

This and that

- The battle of the thermostat rages on! It was at 72 degrees yesterday...And since the heater is such a piece of crap, who knows how long that thing had to be on. Just put on a sweater. I am tired of paying for you to be comfortable.

- When will Shirley finally take down the Christmas decorations? I think it could be a month or so.

- Doris called to tell me that Shirley told her that she and Douchebag are probably getting back together (duh) but not until the future. Future meaning next week or a couple months?

- Lastly, going over to your ex-boyfriend's house at 11pm kinda makes you a ho-bag.

This seems rational

I don't know about you, but when I break up with a boyfriend (even if it's temporary, errr lame) that is when I decide to deck out my room in photos of us in happier times.



This above work of art has been on the floor of her room since I moved in. No better time than on a break to hang it up!

I think my days of being Douchebag-free are numbered.

P.S. How awesome is the blue wall??

Update: Shirley spent the night at DB's the other night. But they are friends. Riiiiiiight.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Pure awesome

I love it when Shirley goes away for a few days. It doesn't happen very often, so I am loving this dog/douchebag-free environment. Woooooo!!!

Goodbye Doris

Sadly Doris could not handle sharing a room with Shirley anymore. I do not blame her. Shirley is self-centered and never adjusted to another person being in her room. Which means I am all alone in the Ranch with crazy Shirley. I am sure Douchebag and Rat Dog will be there almost every night, which I am really looking forward to.

So long Doris! I will miss bitchin' about Shirley to you.

Shirley is a hoarder

Have you ever wondered what happens to phonebooks? Most people either throw them away, or just keep a set. You know like the most recent year. But not Shirley. Oh no cause that would be normal. She keeps them all. She is so weird. I really can't say that enough.

Things have been pretty quiet around the ranch. Doris is still gone and Shirley left for a couple days. Woohoo! Time to redecorate.

Tuesday night roundup!

Nothing too out of the ordinary, but nonetheless, very annoying.

- K, so I know groceries are expensive...times are tough. But why did Shirley have to steal my last banana that I was planning on incorporating into a delicious and nutritious breakfast?

- Who turns on the air (a douche, perhaps?) at 3am? The thermostat said 74 degrees. That is not hot.  Air conditioning is expensive people! You can bet Douchebag isn't chipping in. Believe that. 

- I was awoken by the sounds last night of Rat Dog and Shirley's dog barking and running all over the ranch. Yesssssss.

**Doris went home for the week so I am sure these shenanigans will continue all week. Aww yea!

Is it really THAT bad?

Well I suppose it could be worse. I could be living with a crackwhore and her crack-baby. Or perhaps with a transvestite hooker. I do have a flair for the dramatic.

In any event, let me show you some of the ranch...

First and foremost, the namesake of the blog really:

Yep, I get to look at this beaut every time I come home. Don't be jealous.

The following is kinda vintage. Please don't email me, trying to persuade me to give it to you. Shirley watches this with the closed captioning on. I am pretty sure she has a hearing problem since she talks so loud. It also has the inability to get regular television on it. It is truly an amazing advance in technology.

Lastly, I give to you what Shirley finds entertaining. I think this speaks volumes about the person I am currently writing a rent check too (well to her parents anyways).

Over and out.

Weekend roundup

1. Douchebag picked up Rat Dog at 3am and right outside my window. Yeah, he isn't using Shirley at all.

2. Someone was doing laundry at midnight on a work night. Not sure who it was but I will go with Shirley since she has done laundry at 4am before. Nutjob.

3. Douchebag is scared of me, at least so I have heard. I can't even describe how awesome that is.

Yee-haw!

Giddy up.

I live in a townhome that has a lasso on the wall, cowboy boots atop the 1980s big screen TV, and airplane blankets used as accent pieces. I also have a roommate, Shirley, that slams doors (complete with cowbells), does laundry at 4am and talks in a ridiculously loud voice. Her boyfriend also once left a box of donuts in my bathroom ‘cause he drank himself sick. At least it made for a nice snack when I got home. She also rents out her room with her friend, Doris.

This is my adventure until I make enough money to live on my own. Or win the lottery.