I'm OUTTIES!!!

My time at the Ranch has come to an end. There is a tiny part of me that will miss the drama and ridiculousness that is Shirley, Douchebag and Douchedog. But not enough for me to stay.

Moving day was fairly uneventful. She left me a message on the whiteboard telling me to have a great weekend and "Thanks for being my rm-mate." Oh no Shirley, THANK YOU. You have made me see how truly crazy and oblivious some people can be. I have enjoyed dissecting your unhealthy relationship with Douchebag, being flabbergasted by your lack of maturity and ability to own up to your selfishness. It's been a humorous and stressful ride. Thanks to those who followed and commented.

What did I write in response to Shirley?

The key is under the goose.

PEACE OUT!!!!

WOOHOOO!

Tomorrow is moving day. Yesssssss.

Let it be known that Shirley and I have not said one word to each other since I put in my notice. HAHA!

This is the random crap I will miss discovering

What purpose do these serve? I mean I know why doctors use them and such, but why Shirley? Does she use them so she doesn't get pixie dust all over her hands?


Ummm this is not healthy or appetizing.


And this broken light bulb has been on this empty bottle for months. Is she waiting to recycle it or what?

Kermy is better than this

Is Shirley cheating on Peter Pan with Kermit the Frog?


Shirley added a new magnet to the fridge. And I think it's stupendous!

The final stretch

This marks the last weekend at the Ranch. Yesssssss!

If anyone has any suggestions on pranks, investigating they would like done, messages left on the infamous whiteboard, pictures they would like taken or anything else–speak now!

Celebrate good times, COME ON!

Helloooooo

I had to call Shirley's dad to let him know that the kitchen sink was clogged and was also hoping he would ask me why I was leaving. After I told him about the sink, he said, "We're going to miss you around here." Uhhh awkward! I said, "Yeaaaa it's a great location, it just wasn't working out anymore..." Now is your chance buddy! Instead he asked me if I was getting married. HA! Uhh no sir, I am leaving cause your daughter is a real whackjob. I tried to be positive and told him that Doris would probably move in but he said she isn't dependable like me. Well DUH. Should have told Shirley that. He repeated that a couple times before he wished me luck. Aww. Well he isn't completely clueless about Shirley, but he still coddles her so I don't have too much sympathy for him.

Off topic, but Doris needs to lose my number. She is headed into stalker status.

Oye vey.

Shirley...

1. Your dog smells. Please wash him.

2. Please go back on vacation and remain there until I am gone. I did not miss you.

Toodles!

Some people never learn

Some of you may remember Doris. She shared a room with Shirley but left after a couple months. Well since I am leaving, Doris is moving back in! Numb-nut.

Doris keeps calling me and I have started to ignore her calls. Every time I talk to her she expresses her concerns about coming back and I tell her not to move back if she is so hesitant. But she is an idiot so she is moving. She also tells me that I have to hang out with her when she moves to which I tell her "okay, but I have other things to do so it won't be every weekend." (Or every month, puh-lease.) She is starting to creep me out a little bit with her insistence on hanging out. Not my problem that you don't know anyone. I also told her that once she moves in, she isn't allowed to complain about Shirley since she knows what she is getting into.

The more I think about it, Shirley and Doris really make excellent BFF's.

Knock knock!

This stupid thing is on the front door. It sounds like four cow bells. Since Shirley hasn't quite mastered the art of closing a door quietly, especially while one is sleeping, that thing has woken me up on numerous occasions. Sometimes I go to bed and can still hear the ringing of the bells in my head.

Off her rocker

This is the whiteboard where we write crap to one another. It had both our names on it. Usually Shirley just puts up her work schedule and I always leave my name blank. Annnyways, after she found out I gave my notice, she wiped the board clean. I just found it hilarious. Never before has it been blank. She has wiped me from her life. Too bad.

I want to put something there but I just can't quite find the words...

Have a seat (if you can find one)

If I may be so blunt, there is a crapload of seating possibilities in the kitchen. It's actually quite out of control. But if I decide to throw myself a going away party, (at least I have a keg available) I know seating will not be an issue.

Up first, you have your random chairs just strewn throughout.



Second are these flame-rific barstools. If someone is willing to pay, I will steal them for you. It's my personal belief that everyone should have something like these.



Next is the diner scene. I don't think this table has ever been used.



This stool/seat makes for seat 15!



Then there are these sturdy, well-crafted bar stools. They don't make loud noises at all when you pull them out.



So there you have it folks. Nineteen possible places to put your ass! Amazing!

Best email of the week!

This is from my friend whose parents are friends with Shirley's parents. Please enjoy:

I was telling my parents you might move out and they were like ya we heard (they had dinner with her parents this weekend) and I was like huh? I guess her Dad told my parents he was concerned you may be moving out soon, and they think that Shirley may be the problem. So they were right! I guess her parents are not as oblivious as her!! 

Ahhhhahahahahaha.

WOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

I AM LEAVING THE RANCH!!!! Yeah buddy! More to follow but yeehaw!!

My last day at the Ranch will be March 3rd.

Giddy up!!

It's been REAL nice

This is how it's been at the Ranch lately. Minus the beautiful scenery. Since I am a big meanie, Douchebag hasn't spent the night once and Shirley goes over there often. YES! See ya suckas!

Party time!

- Shirley didn't come home alllll weekend. It was glorious. I guess that's what happens when you have a roommate that is a baby and has to run home to mommy and daddy.

- Shirley would also not speak to me on Monday. Ahh maturity.

- The lovely decor in my bathroom is no longer. On Monday it was suddenly gone. Very strange indeed.

- Shirley cooked dinner and brought it over to Douchebag's. She is clearly trying to show him what a good little wifey she will make.

- As of January 19th, the Christmas decorations had been taken down. Woo!

Have you heard of this thing called dia-bee-tus?

Before I begin, Shirley didn't come home last night. She told Dawn she was spending the weekend at her parents. Faaaaaaaabulous. I ran her out of her own home! Moving on...



So I have touched on this before, but I am just amazed that Shirley doesn't weigh 300 pounds or has diabetes. The amount of ice cream she buys is just wacky. Not to mention three tubs of frosting? It's just unseemly.

Oh what a night!

What a tangled, tangled web we weave...

Some of you may remember Key-gate of '08. Douchebag would leave the house key under the brick where anybody with half a brain could figure out that's where you keep a spare key. With DB away, I didn't have to worry about it, but since he is back, he is also back to old habits. I decided to kick the brick off to expose the key and left it for Shirley to see. Mature? Why yes I am!



Later in the evening (and armed with a lot of pent-up aggression) I told Shirley I was not comfortable with the key being under the brick and that anyone could come into the house. Bitch lied straight to my face! She said that was the first time he did it. Oh hell no! She back-peddled and said he did it once before but like a month ago. Wrong again! So that was that.

Then I told her that I didn't appreciate the heater being turned on all the time and felt taken advantage of since she has someone to split the bills with. Once again, liar! Just this week we had a high of 90 degrees and that Disney-freak had the audacity to turn that clunker on.

I am not a fan of confrontation. I often forget what I want to say and get a little shaky. But I did manage to call her delusional and inconsiderate. To which Douchette said (and you know how it goes), "Fine, I guess I am delusional."

So it's not going to be awkward here at all. I can only hope she won't want to spend anytime here.

Man, I hope she doesn't mess with my food.

Christmas in January

So in case anyone didn't know, Christmas was 19 days ago. This sign was put up after Christmas and is still up. Along with all the other decorations. Including presents under the tree.

My guess is that they will be up until Valentine's Day.

Sake to Me - Updated

Let's just get this out of the way. Shirley and Douchebag are pretty much back together. She decided she just didn't want to talk about their problems anymore. Cause if there is a surefire way to solve a problem, it's to ignore it!

Now, dear readers, I need your help. I came home the other night to find Shirley had added a personal touch to my bathroom. Granted it is the guest bathroom, but I am the one who primarily uses it, (unless DB decides to take a crap in it) and I am the one who cleans it.

Let's take a look at the weird stuff that already adorns the bathroom, shall we?

Check out this totally awesome vintage sign. So neat.



And then there is this super creepy photograph.



So I have to deal with it. Understood. I came home to find this Sake container and two cups on the counter. My space in that place is already so limited, why does she have to encroach upon it? Notice it matches the cup in the background?



It is just not my style. And like I said, space is already at a premium. I don't need her shit in my space. So what should I do? Do I just store it under the sink? Put it in her bathroom? Put in in the living room? Or do I actually have to talk to her about this? Deal with it?

And the bummer about it all, she didn't even have the decency to fill it up.

Update 1.14.09:
If any of you need any sake, it is in the kitchen cabinet. Help yourselves.

The beginning of the end

Douchedog was over the other night. Thankfully his douchey owner was not, but it's just a sign that Shirley has caved and going back to being a doormat and doing whatever DB wants. And like the good little whipped girlfriend (or whatever) she is, she brought the dog over that night. At a whorish hour to be sure!

What a good little Shitley.

This and that

- The battle of the thermostat rages on! It was at 72 degrees yesterday...And since the heater is such a piece of crap, who knows how long that thing had to be on. Just put on a sweater. I am tired of paying for you to be comfortable.

- When will Shirley finally take down the Christmas decorations? I think it could be a month or so.

- Doris called to tell me that Shirley told her that she and Douchebag are probably getting back together (duh) but not until the future. Future meaning next week or a couple months?

- Lastly, going over to your ex-boyfriend's house at 11pm kinda makes you a ho-bag.

It was fun while it lasted

Well le bag of douche spent the night last night. At least I am assuming he did. I can't imagine he woke up early to see Shirley off at work at 7am. Being the classy guy he is, he came over sometime after midnight. We all know what that means...Booooooo-tay!

While I don't know for sure whether these two knuckleheads are back together, it looks to be headed that way.

Looks like my glorious Douchebag/Douchedog-free Ranch days are numbered.