Knock knock!

This stupid thing is on the front door. It sounds like four cow bells. Since Shirley hasn't quite mastered the art of closing a door quietly, especially while one is sleeping, that thing has woken me up on numerous occasions. Sometimes I go to bed and can still hear the ringing of the bells in my head.

Off her rocker

This is the whiteboard where we write crap to one another. It had both our names on it. Usually Shirley just puts up her work schedule and I always leave my name blank. Annnyways, after she found out I gave my notice, she wiped the board clean. I just found it hilarious. Never before has it been blank. She has wiped me from her life. Too bad.

I want to put something there but I just can't quite find the words...

Best email of the week!

This is from my friend whose parents are friends with Shirley's parents. Please enjoy:

I was telling my parents you might move out and they were like ya we heard (they had dinner with her parents this weekend) and I was like huh? I guess her Dad told my parents he was concerned you may be moving out soon, and they think that Shirley may be the problem. So they were right! I guess her parents are not as oblivious as her!! 

Ahhhhahahahahaha.

Party time!

- Shirley didn't come home alllll weekend. It was glorious. I guess that's what happens when you have a roommate that is a baby and has to run home to mommy and daddy.

- Shirley would also not speak to me on Monday. Ahh maturity.

- The lovely decor in my bathroom is no longer. On Monday it was suddenly gone. Very strange indeed.

- Shirley cooked dinner and brought it over to Douchebag's. She is clearly trying to show him what a good little wifey she will make.

- As of January 19th, the Christmas decorations had been taken down. Woo!

Have you heard of this thing called dia-bee-tus?

Before I begin, Shirley didn't come home last night. She told Dawn she was spending the weekend at her parents. Faaaaaaaabulous. I ran her out of her own home! Moving on...



So I have touched on this before, but I am just amazed that Shirley doesn't weigh 300 pounds or has diabetes. The amount of ice cream she buys is just wacky. Not to mention three tubs of frosting? It's just unseemly.

Oh what a night!

What a tangled, tangled web we weave...

Some of you may remember Key-gate of '08. Douchebag would leave the house key under the brick where anybody with half a brain could figure out that's where you keep a spare key. With DB away, I didn't have to worry about it, but since he is back, he is also back to old habits. I decided to kick the brick off to expose the key and left it for Shirley to see. Mature? Why yes I am!



Later in the evening (and armed with a lot of pent-up aggression) I told Shirley I was not comfortable with the key being under the brick and that anyone could come into the house. Bitch lied straight to my face! She said that was the first time he did it. Oh hell no! She back-peddled and said he did it once before but like a month ago. Wrong again! So that was that.

Then I told her that I didn't appreciate the heater being turned on all the time and felt taken advantage of since she has someone to split the bills with. Once again, liar! Just this week we had a high of 90 degrees and that Disney-freak had the audacity to turn that clunker on.

I am not a fan of confrontation. I often forget what I want to say and get a little shaky. But I did manage to call her delusional and inconsiderate. To which Douchette said (and you know how it goes), "Fine, I guess I am delusional."

So it's not going to be awkward here at all. I can only hope she won't want to spend anytime here.

Man, I hope she doesn't mess with my food.

Christmas in January

So in case anyone didn't know, Christmas was 19 days ago. This sign was put up after Christmas and is still up. Along with all the other decorations. Including presents under the tree.

My guess is that they will be up until Valentine's Day.

Sake to Me - Updated

Let's just get this out of the way. Shirley and Douchebag are pretty much back together. She decided she just didn't want to talk about their problems anymore. Cause if there is a surefire way to solve a problem, it's to ignore it!

Now, dear readers, I need your help. I came home the other night to find Shirley had added a personal touch to my bathroom. Granted it is the guest bathroom, but I am the one who primarily uses it, (unless DB decides to take a crap in it) and I am the one who cleans it.

Let's take a look at the weird stuff that already adorns the bathroom, shall we?

Check out this totally awesome vintage sign. So neat.



And then there is this super creepy photograph.



So I have to deal with it. Understood. I came home to find this Sake container and two cups on the counter. My space in that place is already so limited, why does she have to encroach upon it? Notice it matches the cup in the background?



It is just not my style. And like I said, space is already at a premium. I don't need her shit in my space. So what should I do? Do I just store it under the sink? Put it in her bathroom? Put in in the living room? Or do I actually have to talk to her about this? Deal with it?

And the bummer about it all, she didn't even have the decency to fill it up.

Update 1.14.09:
If any of you need any sake, it is in the kitchen cabinet. Help yourselves.

The beginning of the end

Douchedog was over the other night. Thankfully his douchey owner was not, but it's just a sign that Shirley has caved and going back to being a doormat and doing whatever DB wants. And like the good little whipped girlfriend (or whatever) she is, she brought the dog over that night. At a whorish hour to be sure!

What a good little Shitley.

This and that

- The battle of the thermostat rages on! It was at 72 degrees yesterday...And since the heater is such a piece of crap, who knows how long that thing had to be on. Just put on a sweater. I am tired of paying for you to be comfortable.

- When will Shirley finally take down the Christmas decorations? I think it could be a month or so.

- Doris called to tell me that Shirley told her that she and Douchebag are probably getting back together (duh) but not until the future. Future meaning next week or a couple months?

- Lastly, going over to your ex-boyfriend's house at 11pm kinda makes you a ho-bag.

It was fun while it lasted

Well le bag of douche spent the night last night. At least I am assuming he did. I can't imagine he woke up early to see Shirley off at work at 7am. Being the classy guy he is, he came over sometime after midnight. We all know what that means...Booooooo-tay!

While I don't know for sure whether these two knuckleheads are back together, it looks to be headed that way.

Looks like my glorious Douchebag/Douchedog-free Ranch days are numbered.

Don't know what you got till it's gone

Oh I know what I had, and it was beautiful. Shirley's brief absence at the Ranch was wonderful.

But it all changed when I walked in this evening. She wasn't here, but the heat was blasting. Set to turn off at 80 degrees. Eighty mother-flippin degrees! Really?! Really Shirley? We live in Southern California, not Iowa. Put on a goddamn sweater. I know you have one with Captain Hook, idiot. Just for a couple months, I would like it if our utility bills weren't out of control, numb nuts. I rather be using that money for a deposit on a new place.

God help you if you do laundry late tonight.

Sleep with one eye open.

Noooooooooooo

Shirley didn't come home last night. History has shown us that she doesn't spend the night at her parent's, but Douchebag's. I can only hope that she got sloshed at a bar and went home with some random dude. But sadly I don't think that is the case.

Maybe they broke up for good and she still spent the night? It seems like something she would do as a last ditch effort to win him back.

So, a mustang crashes into a bucket...

So a few night ago, I was in my room, watching The Golden Girls. Don't be jealous. Sophia and the gang are awesome. Anyways, Shirley is reving the engine of her awesome car and I hear a big crash. I have no idea what it is but it couldn't be serious since Shirley took off, (to Never Neverland probably.) So I go to check out the situation and find that Valentine's Day and Easter threw up over the garage on my car.

So I was left to ponder many things. Did she put her car in drive? How did she not hear that she crashed into a giant tub of crap? (Oh wait, she watches the TV super loud and with closed captioning. Okay that answers that.) Why didn't she pick it up? Who uses blue easter grass?

She is spectacular.

This seems rational

I don't know about you, but when I break up with a boyfriend (even if it's temporary, errr lame) that is when I decide to deck out my room in photos of us in happier times.



This above work of art has been on the floor of her room since I moved in. No better time than on a break to hang it up!

I think my days of being Douchebag-free are numbered.

P.S. How awesome is the blue wall??

Update: Shirley spent the night at DB's the other night. But they are friends. Riiiiiiight.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Dream on

Some of you may remember that Shirley seems to have an infatuation with the word "dream." And Christmastime is no exception! I give you the following. By the way, these are the only two ornaments on the tree at the moment.



More Christmas fun to follow!

Shirley is SAD

Shirley and DB are still on a break, which has been AWESOME. Things are a lot more tolerable around the Ranch when you don't have a Douchebag and Douchedog to deal with.

That being said, Shirley has been miserable. And she has taken to her MySpace to express her sadness.



I don't think DB misses her. Although I am sure he misses his free dog care. Booyah!

P.S. Please notice her "16" username. I think that explains a lot.

Happy Thanksgiving!

So is this a joke? She can't possibly think I am a great roommate right? I mean I know I am considerate and all, but with all the times I have had to talk to her about stuff, she can't really think I am great, right?

HA.

(Happy) Anniversary?

As you may remember, Shirley and Douchebag are "on a break." Of course, being on a break means you still celebrate your anniversary. Where do you take your love for three years of breaking up and infidelity? La Salsa! Duh.

Hahahahahahahahaha. Yeah I am bitch. But I'm awesome.

He'll be back

Douchebag and Shirley are on a "break." This is just one of many, but the first that I have been privy to. Hopefully it lasts forever, or at least for a couple of months. He kind of lucked out cause now he doesn't have to get her an anniversary gift, go to Thanksgiving festivities and he just might miss Christmas!