Rants from the Ranch!

I'm OUTTIES!!!

2009-03-03T15:44:00.001-08:00

My time at the Ranch has come to an end. There is a tiny part of me that will miss the drama and ridiculousness that is Shirley, Douchebag and Douchedog. But not enough for me to stay.

Moving day was fairly uneventful. She left me a message on the whiteboard telling me to have a great weekend and "Thanks for being my rm-mate." Oh no Shirley, THANK YOU. You have made me see how truly crazy and oblivious some people can be. I have enjoyed dissecting your unhealthy relationship with Douchebag, being flabbergasted by your lack of maturity and ability to own up to your selfishness. It's been a humorous and stressful ride. Thanks to those who followed and commented.

What did I write in response to Shirley?

The key is under the goose.

PEACE OUT!!!!

WOOHOOO!

2009-02-27T16:09:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is moving day. Yesssssss.

Let it be known that Shirley and I have not said one word to each other since I put in my notice. HAHA!

This is the random crap I will miss discovering

2009-02-24T15:10:00.000-08:00

What purpose do these serve? I mean I know why doctors use them and such, but why Shirley? Does she use them so she doesn't get pixie dust all over her hands?

Ummm this is not healthy or appetizing.

And this broken light bulb has been on this empty bottle for months. Is she waiting to recycle it or what?

Kermy is better than this

2009-02-23T20:15:00.000-08:00

Is Shirley cheating on Peter Pan with Kermit the Frog?

Shirley added a new magnet to the fridge. And I think it's stupendous!

The final stretch

2009-02-20T14:07:00.000-08:00

This marks the last weekend at the Ranch. Yesssssss!

If anyone has any suggestions on pranks, investigating they would like done, messages left on the infamous whiteboard, pictures they would like taken or anything else–speak now!

Celebrate good times, COME ON!

Helloooooo

2009-02-19T15:04:00.000-08:00

I had to call Shirley's dad to let him know that the kitchen sink was clogged and was also hoping he would ask me why I was leaving. After I told him about the sink, he said, "We're going to miss you around here." Uhhh awkward! I said, "Yeaaaa it's a great location, it just wasn't working out anymore..." Now is your chance buddy! Instead he asked me if I was getting married. HA! Uhh no sir, I am leaving cause your daughter is a real whackjob. I tried to be positive and told him that Doris would probably move in but he said she isn't dependable like me. Well DUH. Should have told Shirley that. He repeated that a couple times before he wished me luck. Aww. Well he isn't completely clueless about Shirley, but he still coddles her so I don't have too much sympathy for him.

Off topic, but Doris needs to lose my number. She is headed into stalker status.

Oye vey.

2009-02-17T20:35:00.000-08:00

Shirley...

1. Your dog smells. Please wash him.

2. Please go back on vacation and remain there until I am gone. I did not miss you.

Toodles!

Some people never learn

2009-02-17T10:32:00.000-08:00

Some of you may remember Doris. She shared a room with Shirley but left after a couple months. Well since I am leaving, Doris is moving back in! Numb-nut.

Doris keeps calling me and I have started to ignore her calls. Every time I talk to her she expresses her concerns about coming back and I tell her not to move back if she is so hesitant. But she is an idiot so she is moving. She also tells me that I have to hang out with her when she moves to which I tell her "okay, but I have other things to do so it won't be every weekend." (Or every month, puh-lease.) She is starting to creep me out a little bit with her insistence on hanging out. Not my problem that you don't know anyone. I also told her that once she moves in, she isn't allowed to complain about Shirley since she knows what she is getting into.

The more I think about it, Shirley and Doris really make excellent BFF's.

Knock knock!

2009-02-10T10:44:00.000-08:00

This stupid thing is on the front door. It sounds like four cow bells. Since Shirley hasn't quite mastered the art of closing a door quietly, especially while one is sleeping, that thing has woken me up on numerous occasions. Sometimes I go to bed and can still hear the ringing of the bells in my head.

Off her rocker

2009-02-06T10:46:00.000-08:00

This is the whiteboard where we write crap to one another. It had both our names on it. Usually Shirley just puts up her work schedule and I always leave my name blank. Annnyways, after she found out I gave my notice, she wiped the board clean. I just found it hilarious. Never before has it been blank. She has wiped me from her life. Too bad.

I want to put something there but I just can't quite find the words...

Have a seat (if you can find one)

2009-02-04T10:33:00.000-08:00

If I may be so blunt, there is a crapload of seating possibilities in the kitchen. It's actually quite out of control. But if I decide to throw myself a going away party, (at least I have a keg available) I know seating will not be an issue.

Up first, you have your random chairs just strewn throughout.

Second are these flame-rific barstools. If someone is willing to pay, I will steal them for you. It's my personal belief that everyone should have something like these.

Next is the diner scene. I don't think this table has ever been used.

This stool/seat makes for seat 15!

Then there are these sturdy, well-crafted bar stools. They don't make loud noises at all when you pull them out.

So there you have it folks. Nineteen possible places to put your ass! Amazing!

Best email of the week!

2009-02-04T10:15:00.000-08:00

This is from my friend whose parents are friends with Shirley's parents. Please enjoy:

I was telling my parents you might move out and they were like ya we heard (they had dinner with her parents this weekend) and I was like huh? I guess her Dad told my parents he was concerned you may be moving out soon, and they think that Shirley may be the problem. So they were right! I guess her parents are not as oblivious as her!!

Ahhhhahahahahaha.

WOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

2009-02-02T16:42:00.000-08:00

I AM LEAVING THE RANCH!!!! Yeah buddy! More to follow but yeehaw!!

My last day at the Ranch will be March 3rd.

Giddy up!!

It's been REAL nice

2009-01-27T10:28:00.000-08:00

This is how it's been at the Ranch lately. Minus the beautiful scenery. Since I am a big meanie, Douchebag hasn't spent the night once and Shirley goes over there often. YES! See ya suckas!

Party time!

2009-01-21T13:51:00.000-08:00

- Shirley didn't come home alllll weekend. It was glorious. I guess that's what happens when you have a roommate that is a baby and has to run home to mommy and daddy.

- Shirley would also not speak to me on Monday. Ahh maturity.

- The lovely decor in my bathroom is no longer. On Monday it was suddenly gone. Very strange indeed.

- Shirley cooked dinner and brought it over to Douchebag's. She is clearly trying to show him what a good little wifey she will make.

- As of January 19th, the Christmas decorations had been taken down. Woo!

Have you heard of this thing called dia-bee-tus?

2009-01-16T14:23:00.000-08:00

Before I begin, Shirley didn't come home last night. She told Dawn she was spending the weekend at her parents. Faaaaaaaabulous. I ran her out of her own home! Moving on...

So I have touched on this before, but I am just amazed that Shirley doesn't weigh 300 pounds or has diabetes. The amount of ice cream she buys is just wacky. Not to mention three tubs of frosting? It's just unseemly.

Oh what a night!

2009-01-14T21:17:00.000-08:00

What a tangled, tangled web we weave...

Some of you may remember Key-gate of '08. Douchebag would leave the house key under the brick where anybody with half a brain could figure out that's where you keep a spare key. With DB away, I didn't have to worry about it, but since he is back, he is also back to old habits. I decided to kick the brick off to expose the key and left it for Shirley to see. Mature? Why yes I am!

Later in the evening (and armed with a lot of pent-up aggression) I told Shirley I was not comfortable with the key being under the brick and that anyone could come into the house. Bitch lied straight to my face! She said that was the first time he did it. Oh hell no! She back-peddled and said he did it once before but like a month ago. Wrong again! So that was that.

Then I told her that I didn't appreciate the heater being turned on all the time and felt taken advantage of since she has someone to split the bills with. Once again, liar! Just this week we had a high of 90 degrees and that Disney-freak had the audacity to turn that clunker on.

I am not a fan of confrontation. I often forget what I want to say and get a little shaky. But I did manage to call her delusional and inconsiderate. To which Douchette said (and you know how it goes), "Fine, I guess I am delusional."

So it's not going to be awkward here at all. I can only hope she won't want to spend anytime here.

Man, I hope she doesn't mess with my food.

Christmas in January

2009-01-13T13:25:00.001-08:00

So in case anyone didn't know, Christmas was 19 days ago. This sign was put up after Christmas and is still up. Along with all the other decorations. Including presents under the tree.

My guess is that they will be up until Valentine's Day.

Sake to Me - Updated

2009-01-12T12:05:00.000-08:00

Let's just get this out of the way. Shirley and Douchebag are pretty much back together. She decided she just didn't want to talk about their problems anymore. Cause if there is a surefire way to solve a problem, it's to ignore it!

Now, dear readers, I need your help. I came home the other night to find Shirley had added a personal touch to my bathroom. Granted it is the guest bathroom, but I am the one who primarily uses it, (unless DB decides to take a crap in it) and I am the one who cleans it.

Let's take a look at the weird stuff that already adorns the bathroom, shall we?

Check out this totally awesome vintage sign. So neat.

And then there is this super creepy photograph.

So I have to deal with it. Understood. I came home to find this Sake container and two cups on the counter. My space in that place is already so limited, why does she have to encroach upon it? Notice it matches the cup in the background?

It is just not my style. And like I said, space is already at a premium. I don't need her shit in my space. So what should I do? Do I just store it under the sink? Put it in her bathroom? Put in in the living room? Or do I actually have to talk to her about this? Deal with it?

And the bummer about it all, she didn't even have the decency to fill it up.

Update 1.14.09:
If any of you need any sake, it is in the kitchen cabinet. Help yourselves.

The beginning of the end

2009-01-09T10:15:00.000-08:00

Douchedog was over the other night. Thankfully his douchey owner was not, but it's just a sign that Shirley has caved and going back to being a doormat and doing whatever DB wants. And like the good little whipped girlfriend (or whatever) she is, she brought the dog over that night. At a whorish hour to be sure!

What a good little Shitley.

This and that

2009-01-06T14:52:00.000-08:00

- The battle of the thermostat rages on! It was at 72 degrees yesterday...And since the heater is such a piece of crap, who knows how long that thing had to be on. Just put on a sweater. I am tired of paying for you to be comfortable.

- When will Shirley finally take down the Christmas decorations? I think it could be a month or so.

- Doris called to tell me that Shirley told her that she and Douchebag are probably getting back together (duh) but not until the future. Future meaning next week or a couple months?

- Lastly, going over to your ex-boyfriend's house at 11pm kinda makes you a ho-bag.

It was fun while it lasted

2009-01-03T14:10:00.000-08:00

Well le bag of douche spent the night last night. At least I am assuming he did. I can't imagine he woke up early to see Shirley off at work at 7am. Being the classy guy he is, he came over sometime after midnight. We all know what that means...Booooooo-tay!

While I don't know for sure whether these two knuckleheads are back together, it looks to be headed that way.

Looks like my glorious Douchebag/Douchedog-free Ranch days are numbered.

Don't know what you got till it's gone

2008-12-29T20:43:00.000-08:00

Oh I know what I had, and it was beautiful. Shirley's brief absence at the Ranch was wonderful.

But it all changed when I walked in this evening. She wasn't here, but the heat was blasting. Set to turn off at 80 degrees. Eighty mother-flippin degrees! Really?! Really Shirley? We live in Southern California, not Iowa. Put on a goddamn sweater. I know you have one with Captain Hook, idiot. Just for a couple months, I would like it if our utility bills weren't out of control, numb nuts. I rather be using that money for a deposit on a new place.

God help you if you do laundry late tonight.

Sleep with one eye open.

Holly-jolly Christmas

2008-12-28T20:25:00.000-08:00

So I was hoping Shirley wouldn't give me anything for Christmas, but just in case I picked up a Target gift card. Low and behold, Santa Tink came early! She gave me a cute (!!!) toiletry bag, (how did that happen?) and these majestic button earrings. Mind you I never wear earrings, and if I did, these certainly would not be it.

Sooo, I decided that my gift card was a little too impersonal and headed off to my local Disney store. My roommate's mecca if you will. I figured I could get an ornament to add to the madness on the tree. Sadly there wasn't too much to choose from. So I weighed my options and got a Pooh ornament, deciding against the High School Musical one. Thinking the three dollar ornament wasn't enough, I spotted a glorious Tinkerbell mug and snatched that beauty up.

So for under ten dollars, I was able to get a super present.

I kept the gift card, in case you were wondering. Oh and if anyone wants those earrings, they are yours.

Vvvrrrrrroooooooooooooom F!

2008-12-23T13:56:00.000-08:00

This is a Nascar-themed ornament. I knew they existed, but I didn't know people bought them. There is a car, a helmet and some marvelous balls.

I hope this isn't my gift

2008-12-23T13:55:00.001-08:00

Why is this on the tree?? Unless you have a green thumb, this is a crappy gift.

The most amazing ornament of them all

2008-12-23T13:52:00.000-08:00

Is courtesy of my mom. It may not be Disney, but it is still spectacular in all its glittery glory.

Magical Ornaments

2008-12-23T13:45:00.000-08:00

Well the tree is finally finished and surprisingly, it's Disney-themed.

Please note that the dog below is not Shirley's dog. It's the dog that comes with the frame. I guess since it took her a month to decorate, it would be too much to ask for her to find a picture of her dog.

Hodge-podge of Christmas crapola

2008-12-23T09:29:00.001-08:00

So does Santa come to the Ranch? I mean I guess the idea is kind of cute in theory, but it strikes me as a wee bit creepy. Or maybe she has some kids I don't know about. I am thinking about putting some cookies in the plate.

Even Olivia gets into the Christmas spirit around here!

Lastly, there is this amazing garland on the corkboard.

Yes, that is a Tinkerbell charm on her keys. Yes that is Hannah Montana. And yes that is JC from NSYNC up there.

Noooooooooooo

2008-12-19T12:32:00.000-08:00

Shirley didn't come home last night. History has shown us that she doesn't spend the night at her parent's, but Douchebag's. I can only hope that she got sloshed at a bar and went home with some random dude. But sadly I don't think that is the case.

Maybe they broke up for good and she still spent the night? It seems like something she would do as a last ditch effort to win him back.

Merry Christmas, Tink

2008-12-11T10:58:00.000-08:00

That right there is pure magic. "Faith, trust and pixie dust." I don't even know what to say.

Yes, that is pixie dust. She is obsessed. And decorating the tree is like a week long ordeal. She only seems to hang a couple ornaments a day. Guess she doesn't want to accomplish too much in a day.

So, a mustang crashes into a bucket...

2008-12-10T11:18:00.000-08:00

So a few night ago, I was in my room, watching The Golden Girls. Don't be jealous. Sophia and the gang are awesome. Anyways, Shirley is reving the engine of her awesome car and I hear a big crash. I have no idea what it is but it couldn't be serious since Shirley took off, (to Never Neverland probably.) So I go to check out the situation and find that Valentine's Day and Easter threw up over the garage on my car.

So I was left to ponder many things. Did she put her car in drive? How did she not hear that she crashed into a giant tub of crap? (Oh wait, she watches the TV super loud and with closed captioning. Okay that answers that.) Why didn't she pick it up? Who uses blue easter grass?

She is spectacular.

This seems rational

2008-12-08T13:11:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but when I break up with a boyfriend (even if it's temporary, errr lame) that is when I decide to deck out my room in photos of us in happier times.

This above work of art has been on the floor of her room since I moved in. No better time than on a break to hang it up!

I think my days of being Douchebag-free are numbered.

P.S. How awesome is the blue wall??

Update: Shirley spent the night at DB's the other night. But they are friends. Riiiiiiight.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Dream on

2008-12-08T10:36:00.000-08:00

Some of you may remember that Shirley seems to have an infatuation with the word "dream." And Christmastime is no exception! I give you the following. By the way, these are the only two ornaments on the tree at the moment.

More Christmas fun to follow!

Shirley is SAD

2008-12-05T14:18:00.000-08:00

Shirley and DB are still on a break, which has been AWESOME. Things are a lot more tolerable around the Ranch when you don't have a Douchebag and Douchedog to deal with.

That being said, Shirley has been miserable. And she has taken to her MySpace to express her sadness.

I don't think DB misses her. Although I am sure he misses his free dog care. Booyah!

P.S. Please notice her "16" username. I think that explains a lot.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-12-01T11:35:00.000-08:00

So is this a joke? She can't possibly think I am a great roommate right? I mean I know I am considerate and all, but with all the times I have had to talk to her about stuff, she can't really think I am great, right?

HA.

(Happy) Anniversary?

2008-11-26T09:26:00.000-08:00

As you may remember, Shirley and Douchebag are "on a break." Of course, being on a break means you still celebrate your anniversary. Where do you take your love for three years of breaking up and infidelity? La Salsa! Duh.

Hahahahahahahahaha. Yeah I am bitch. But I'm awesome.

He'll be back

2008-11-23T15:55:00.000-08:00

Douchebag and Shirley are on a "break." This is just one of many, but the first that I have been privy to. Hopefully it lasts forever, or at least for a couple of months. He kind of lucked out cause now he doesn't have to get her an anniversary gift, go to Thanksgiving festivities and he just might miss Christmas!

So...

2008-11-19T10:45:00.000-08:00

Anyone need a saw? Sure it's a little rusty, but I am sure it gets the job done.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

2008-11-16T18:03:00.000-08:00

Hi. So this picture was taken this weekend. In case you didn't know, Thanksgiving hasn't even happened yet.

And these boxes are a taste of what is to come. It should be a festive holiday here at the Ranch!!

Shirley is on my laundry (shit) list

2008-11-12T12:08:00.000-08:00

"If you could refrain from doing laundry @ 1am that would be great. My room shares a wall with the washer and dryer so it's loud and annoying. Thanks!"

{Sorry for the poor quality. Doris was in the next room and I could not use the flash}

Doris said she responded by saying, "Well, I guess I can't do laundry." Yes Shirley, I want you to never have clean clothes again! And that she does laundry late before. Well I snapped and couldn't take it anymore. Duh. She is just selfish and clueless.

I love fishies cause they're so delicious

2008-11-07T22:27:00.000-08:00

Doris is here for the weekend, and she walked into the bathroom she once shared with Shirley and exclaimed, "What. The. Fuck." What could evoke this kind of reaction from Doris you ask? Goldfish. You think, "Surely (or Shirley, ha!) you jest." Oh I do not.

Need a closer look? Yeah I thought so.

Those look suspiciously like fish won at a carnival. Wouldn't you stop at one? Two? Not Shirley. She is special. She must have thought, "NO! I must have SEVEN!"

Or perhaps she plans on cooking those suckers up for Douchebag. You never know with her.

***Update***
All the fish but one have died. R.I.P.

My head is going to explode

2008-11-06T14:00:00.000-08:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I am pissed.

I went home at lunch and found the following:

-the heater set to go on. BTW it's 80 degrees at the moment. It has not been THAT cold at night. We live in SoCal!
-key under the brick
-Douchedog in the back

Soooo I need a new job stat (one where layoffs don't happen every other week + salary cuts) so I can move into a new place.

Oy vey!!

God Bless America

2008-11-05T15:17:00.000-08:00

Shirley, who is 27 going on 12, has her parents fill out her ballot and mail it in for her. Nice. You can't even decide who you want for president??

She is pathetic.

Pure awesome

2008-11-01T15:08:00.000-07:00

I love it when Shirley goes away for a few days. It doesn't happen very often, so I am loving this dog/douchebag-free environment. Woooooo!!!

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

2008-10-29T12:04:00.000-07:00

You know, I always think I am going to run out of weird things to spotlight. But every so often, I discover a gem I have never seen before. I give you this lamp.

It's currently stationed in the garage (and rightfully so), but maybe one day this beaut will make her debut inside the Ranch. Until then little lady...

LOL

2008-10-26T13:42:00.000-07:00

Shirley's parents came over to get her dog today. Shirley's mom said hopefully someone would be picking up Douchedog. Then she said "Have you met Douchebag?" Uhhh duh. So I said, "oh yeah." Methinks she doesn't like him. I added that he is over here a lot. To which she replied, "Almost too much, huh?" Bingo! Even her mom knows that DB is a tool.

Then her dad proceeded to clean up the shitload of beer bottles that Shirley leaves in the garage. Yay!

Ewwww. What is wrong with this woman?

2008-10-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

I couldn't find a picture that properly illustrated what I am about to describe. Please use your imaginations.

Shirley was fixing a baked potato and Douchedog was begging for food. (Just like his dad. Oh snap!) Annnnnnnnyways, so she let him eat some potato off her fork, then proceeded to stick the fork (with dog germs) in margarine and back to her potato. Yum! Mmmm bacteria mixing.

I wanted to throw up.

Amazing

2008-10-20T12:02:00.000-07:00

This is what Shirley looks like when she leaves for work in the morning. Sadly, I couldn't take a paparazzo shot, so this will do. Who drives around with curlers in their hair? Especially when said person is 27.

Personal space

2008-10-16T14:21:00.000-07:00

I will liken the following story to being in an empty movie theatre when someone decides to sit right by you. TONS of seats, but they choose to get all up in your business.

Exhibit A: This is my lone shelf on the door of the fridge. There are four, I have one. Notice how I have a little bit of extra space. (Side note: I had to do some fancy maneuvering so I could have a shelf in the first place.)

Exhibit B: Shirley will have none of that, even though she has shitloads of room elsewhere. So what does she do? Puts her giant bottle of Tapatio (and tabasco) on my shelf.

Exhibit C: Look at allllll that room she has! So I moved her crap next to her big-ass bottle of ranch dressing.

And just for shits and giggles, I wanted to show you how much food she has in the fridge. Seriously...who needs that much food? I have circled my food for your convenience. See if you can spot the glass of OJ that seems to be settling and the gatorade bottle filled with milk! FUN!

Respect the Ranch Wrangler, damnit!!

A friendly reminder...

2008-10-15T14:45:00.000-07:00

So that means don't do laundry at 11pm (especially when I share a wall with the washer/dryer.) And don't rake leaves at 11pm especially when my window is right by the entry-way.

Good day.

gggggggggsus

2008-10-13T11:38:00.000-07:00

Let me first say, I don't care if someone is religious. However, I find the below a wee bit disturbing. Shirley follows a Christian band around whenever they are in SoCal and this weekend was no exception.

I can't get confirmation on whether or not Shirley attended this festival, but it was written on the white board under her to do's. The Revolve Tour is an "event for teen girls."

"All Access is a Friday night – Saturday event designed

for 6th through 12th grade girls.

(But girls who are a little younger or older come, too . . .

and we hear they enjoy it!)"

WHY is a 27 year old WOMAN (I use that term loosely), attending an event meant for GIRLS 18 and under?

She is so effin' weird.

In case you want to check it out....

What's behind door number one?

2008-10-07T13:45:00.000-07:00

This eye-sore is the inside of the panty. Who put all that crap there you ask? Shirley? No. The previous owner! We got grocery lists, recipes, business cards, coupons, you name it!

Did someone say they needed a hummingbird food recipe? Well say no more...I got you covered! "Hummer Food" Heh.

I am personally a fan of the tiger below.

And in case you need to give CPR, there is also a cheat sheet on that. You're in good hands when you come to the Ranch!

I am a broken record

2008-10-06T09:06:00.000-07:00

Douchebag was in the house again yesterday morning while Shitley was at work. This is not ok but it continues to happen. Which leads me to my next questions. Would it be out of line to take the house key that Shirley and DB leave under a brick?

poll by twiigs.com

Look at what we have here...

2008-09-27T15:30:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon something today. Now look at that little brick. It's away from it's little brick friends. It probably wants to go back to them. I think I will pick it up and move it back.

What's this?? A key? To what? Oh the ranch! DB used this to lock up this morning. (For once.) Now I do not know if it's always there or if Shirley left it this one time. (Probably not, she doesn't have a good track record.) Annnnyways I was going to take it (hehe) but decided I would wait in case it was her key. She has it coming, but I don't want to lock her out that kind of sucks. But it really irks me that he might have access to the house whenever he wants. And I know it's not kept there in case one of us gets locked out cause she has never told me about it.

So I guess this is how DB gets Douchedog when no is around? Fabulous.

Update: It was her house key so I decided not to take it. Doesn't mean I won't in the future. Why does he need a key? He doesn't live there! Well technically he doesn't...

It never ends

2008-09-27T09:09:00.001-07:00

DB came over last night (or this morning) around 3am or something ridicilous. (Classy). Shirley has left for work and DB is still here. Yipee!

Hodge-podge of crap

2008-09-24T09:16:00.000-07:00

-I talked to Shirley about the A/C issue. She flat out denied using it. I know and she knows that she is a liar. When I told her I have come home on several occasions to find the air on (and no one home) she said, "I haven't turned the air on." How can I argue with that. It's like arguing with a monkey. So when the bill comes, and if it's more than it should be, I will refuse to pay half.

-DB dropped a deuce in MY bathroom. Probably cause it's cleaner than Shirley's.

-Shirley broke my egg slicer. To which she also denies. It was working last time I used it. You dumb B. I guess the dogs got a hankering for egg salad sandwiches.

-Shirley wears so much blush she borders on being a clown.

So what have we learned? Shirley is a liar who moonlights as a circus performer.

An oldie but a goodie

2008-09-22T21:41:00.000-07:00

Ha. This just doesn't get old. Peanut butter. As decoration! And that hat! Wow.

Now taking bets...

2008-09-22T16:27:00.001-07:00

I hope to talk to Shitley tonight about her sudden increase in consumption of the air conditioning. Considering that it's getting cooler and that she hates paying utilities, methinks she is doing it to get back at me. So I will just be a giant bitch I guess and call her on her tom foolery.

Do you think there will be tears tonight?

A mellow week

2008-09-18T18:50:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I went to Arizona and while there, I met up with Doris. Afterwards Doris called Shirley and told her that she hung out with me. To which Shirley said "you ran into each other?" (Yeah dummy) "You have each other's numbers? I didn't know you guys talked. What was she doing there?" Me thinks that Shirley was maybe jealous? Mad that I talk to our ex-roommate more than her? Who knows. She is mental.

Nothing new to report. Things haven't changed much since I made Shirley cry. The damn dog is here, and even though it is getting cooler, the A/C is running more than ever it seems. Not quite sure what to do since being direct doesn't work with her nor does being passive aggressive. Any thoughts??

Just cause

2008-09-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

{from CuteOverload}

So much for that

2008-09-08T14:07:00.000-07:00

I kind of thought my posts would slow down since I had the chat with Shirley, but it turns out that it didn't really have any impact on her. The Douches (bag and dog) were around all weekend as was the air in an unoccupied ranch. I think there is something mentally wrong with her.

Or she is just a clueless douchebag lovin' nutjob idiot.

That was unexpected!

2008-09-04T22:21:00.000-07:00

Wow. Shirley cried. I told her I wasn't cool with the air being on when no one was around and also asked why Douchedog was here all the time. WELL, that opened a can of worms. Suddenly the conversation turned to Douchebag being here all the time to Shirley crying. Dang! I swear I wasn't mean. Stern yes, but not a bitch. She said he wasn't going to be around. I stressed I didn't care if he was over, but just not ALL THE TIME. And if he wants to be over all the time, then he should pay for some utilities. He said he felt he couldn't be here and didn't feel welcomed. HAHAHAHA WTF? You want me to be his friend? I don't think so. She was uber defensive. Awesome!

Turns out DB wanted to take Douchedog to a shelter cause he just can't really take care of him. Hmm idiot maybe you should have never gotten the dog to begin with? I feel for the dog, I really do, but he isn't my problem. When you open your home to someone, you got to be respectful. Duh.

So hopefully that problem will be fixed. If not, then I need to hightail it out of this place!

Yeehaw!

Let's get ready to rumble!

2008-09-04T15:00:00.000-07:00

I had to go home briefly on my lunch break, and when I did, I discovered that the air conditioning was on along with the porch light. Douchedog was also at the Ranch. I assumed Shirley was at work but before I jumped to conclusions I texted her to make sure that was the case and I have yet to hear from her. So yes, I think she left the air running while at work. Which is so wasteful and pointless. That unit sucks, is expensive and is definitely not energy efficient. So basically I am paying for her (and Douchebag) to keep cool cause it does jack-shit in my room. So now I am pumping myself up to give her a talkin' too.

I am not going to put up with her assholery anymore dammit.

Dear Shitley errrr Shirley....

2008-09-02T22:50:00.000-07:00

While I realize it might be a little lame to have left a note, I really do not enjoy talking to her. (And I am kind of a weenie). But this note doesn't seem to have helped much...she still is hiding the remote. HAHAHAHA. Awesome!

Don't even get me started on the fans in her room that she has left on for months. I hope they overheat and blow up.

P.S. Can Douchebag please not walk around in his underwear? Thanks a million!

How many in your party?

2008-08-28T13:36:00.000-07:00

Yep, this is at the Ranch. There is a straw dispenser, check holder, fake flowers, uhhhh... a candy cane. It's so spectacular. Yet it's never used. I wonder why?

No one wants to see that

2008-08-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

DB, please put on a shirt while cooking breakfast. Thanks.

RW

Hahahaha. DB is gross, but this is funny

2008-08-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

My friend Jessica sent this to me, so I had to share. Apologies to my family but I thought it was so appropriate. (Just the key to the place). Should I post this on the fridge??

#2

2008-08-18T09:33:00.001-07:00

Hey douchebag. Let's try not to take a dump in my bathroom, mmmmkay? I love nothing more than coming home to the smell of air freshener in my bathroom. Use Shirley's bathroom you dumbass. You use her for everything else, why not her toilet?

Baaahahahahahahahaha

2008-08-13T22:39:00.000-07:00

Guess who is trying out to be a fairy (or Mickey Mouse) at Disneyland?? Shirrrrrrrley is. Yesssss.

Bad news

2008-08-08T14:14:00.000-07:00

Doris called me to let me know that I am getting a new roommate. When Shirley is going to tell me, I don't know. This new roommate will be sharing Shirley's bedroom. Fabulous. I can't wait to start sharing everything with a third person again. I feel sorry for this girl cause I already hate her.

Also, Shirley (or Douchebag) finished a bottle of vodka of mine in the freezer. Granted it was almost empty and I was probably never going to drink it, but don't drink stuff that isn't yours. When I left Shirley a note about it, she replied, "the red bottle?" Hey dipshit, how many bottles of vodka were there? Only one.

I curse the day you were born Shirley!

Heidi ho neighbor

2008-08-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

Home Improvement mug - check

The OC game on display - check

Movie projector - check

Busted camera - check

Just another day at the ranch!

Morning courtesies...

2008-07-31T14:08:00.000-07:00

Shirley, at 5:20am please don't...

...Call and whistle for your dog right outside my window

...Slam the doors

...Rev up your engine. (And several times no less since your car didn't start up until the third time).

Thanks,
Your super happy roommate

Hey, idiot!

2008-07-29T14:20:00.001-07:00

I know we would both prefer not to have roommates, but I am paying you (well your parents) to live here, so leave me a f'n space in the garage.

What is wrong with these people???

2008-07-28T21:20:00.000-07:00

On several occasions I have come home after Shirley's dad has worked on something on the house to find my toilet filled with urine. For some reason, Shirley's dad has an aversion to flushing. Fine if you want to conserve in your own house, but don't do it in your daughter's roommate's bathroom!

I came home to a bowlful of piss tonight. It was lovely. Sorry I did not document it, but I have class.

Experiment #2

2008-07-28T14:40:00.000-07:00

See that beautiful boot up there? I got that at the Target dollar bin and thought it would be perfect for the Ranch. I went away for the weekend and came back to find a FABULOUS new entertainment center in the living room. As you can see, it's very modern and sophisticated. AND she loved the boot so much, that she moved it on top of that! I am so excited I could contribute.

I'm not one to judge...

2008-07-25T13:56:00.000-07:00

Ok, yes I am. Who am I kidding? But I thought this was interesting. See for yourself.

Keg stand anyone?

OoOOoo trippy fog.

And now, we repent.

Tick tock, tick tock

2008-07-21T13:31:00.001-07:00

WTF. Shirley has a two foot (maybe three) crocodile in her room. Have I mentioned Peter Pan is her favorite??

What a freak.

Shirley STILL sucks at laundry

2008-07-16T21:39:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not remember, Shirley is pretty idiotic when it comes to doing laundry. And maybe you think I am being Nazi, but there is only so much Douchedog sitting, early morning laundry sessions and door slamming this ranch wrangler can handle.

The following is just dumb. I am by no means "green," BUT, you have to have more things to wash than FOUR dish towels. I mean come on! Look how empty that thing is! Throw in some bath towels, your Peter Pan nightie that you (probably) wear. Anything! Get with the program Shirley!

Reminder: Shirley is 27

2008-07-15T10:31:00.000-07:00

Yes, that is JC from the boy band, Nsync. And apparently, he's her celebrity crush! She says that thing is old, but why still display it. Hello! You are almost 30. She never ceases to amaze me.

Keep dreaming, dreamer

2008-07-11T09:14:00.000-07:00

I am going out on a limb here, but I think Shirley's favorite word is "Dream." How inspirational.

An experiment

2008-07-10T21:03:00.000-07:00

My friends put these beer bottles on the fireplace. I think they look lovely. How long until Shirley removes them? Or will she think that they add to the overall ambiance of the ranch? Only time will tell...

Update: We are still going strong!
Update #2: Almost two weeks later and it is still up. I think we got a keeper!

Shirley looooooves wieners

2008-07-09T11:11:00.000-07:00

There is all sorts of awesome going on in the cupboard.

Morton Salt coffee cups, hot dog baskets and MORE hot dog baskets. SO amazing and perplexing. She is planning on having a cookout? Opening up her own hot dog stand? A roadside coffee stand? I need to know!

It's not my fault you are an idiot

2008-07-06T14:42:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning I was going to cook some eggs (mmmm eggs) and spotted a bee. Fabulous. My cowboy killed it, then two more appeared. Wonderful. There were also some hovering out in the back and in the doghouse. I figure they came in when Shirley leaves the door open all night for the dogs to pee. Which is also safe. Incidentally, Douchebag was sleeping in Shirley's room (even though she was at work and he doesn't live here.)

Moving on. We leave The Ranch and call Shirley's dad (aka the landlord) and filled him in so he could take care of the situation.

We came back to find the following awesome note on the whiteboard. Unfortunately, I did not have my camera, so the following is a re-creation.

This little note made my day. Me hopes that Douchebag and her dad ran into one another. Preferably while Douchebag was making a sandwich or sleeping in her bed. I really enjoyed that the note was addressed to both of them. The reference to the feces was equally as enjoyable. Shirley is in trouble hahahahahaha sucker.

That night I got some passive aggressive/retarded texts from Shirley. Don't get mad at me cause you are retarded and got in trouble by your daddy.

I don't even have time for her.

I won't grow up

2008-07-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

Shirley loves Peter Pan. In fact, I am pretty sure she is suffering from Peter Pan syndrome. She is 27 but acts 17. And with that, I present you with this haunting and creepy image.

Yep your eyes do not deceive you. Those are Peter Pan ornaments she has stuck to the ceiling. Christ almighty.

Shirley sucks at laundry, continued

2008-06-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

Did Shirley have some sort of laundry emergency this morning at 3am? Did she have to have some dish towels or socks washed right away??? Does she not remember I share a wall with the washer and dryer? Has she always been a selfish, oblivious whack-job? I really want to know the answers to these questions!

Oh helllllllllll nah

2008-06-26T22:56:00.000-07:00

Well that took a nanosecond.

Shirley has got to me one of the most self-absorbed and immature people I have ever met. I came home tonight to find Shirley parked in the driveway and Douchebag parked in the garage. Leaving me to park on the street. Which isn't a big deal, but I pay rent. Douchebag doesn't. That spot in the garage is mine bitch! So I said to Shirley, "He sure didn't waste any time moving in," (I know, I know, very passive aggressive, but I was pissed.) So she responded with a snotty "I invited him over." Ummm how is that relevant? Idiot.

I just want to slap them both for having their heads up their asses.

Goodbye Doris

2008-06-26T10:03:00.000-07:00

Sadly Doris could not handle sharing a room with Shirley anymore. I do not blame her. Shirley is self-centered and never adjusted to another person being in her room. Which means I am all alone in the Ranch with crazy Shirley. I am sure Douchebag and Rat Dog will be there almost every night, which I am really looking forward to.

So long Doris! I will miss bitchin' about Shirley to you.

The pictureless frame

2008-06-25T11:16:00.000-07:00

Next to the lasso, this is my favorite piece of decor in the ranch. What purpose does it serve? Is she waiting for the perfect Peter Pan picture to place in it? I want to put a picture of myself in it, but I'm not sure if that is the route I want to take. Any suggestions?

The fridge. Let me show you it.

2008-06-23T13:52:00.000-07:00

So Shirley likes her sugar. Like REALLY likes it.

I mean seriously, who drinks koolaid past age eight? The cowboy on the Real World in LA did, but that is all that I can recall. Also, Shirley full on grocery shops at her parents, hence that nasty looking container of milk.

How much ice cream does one person need? And lastly, what is ice cream without all the fixins??

And a little extra tidbit of info. Shirley has been eating mayo that expired in April. Maybe that's why she has been so bitchy lately.

This can't be healthy

2008-06-22T12:09:00.000-07:00

Shirley washes and reuses ziplock bags. I am serious, stop laughing. Ok it's funny. And weird. I think she has like three, and just rotates through them. Then when she is done with them, she picks up more at her parents.

It had to end sometime

2008-06-18T16:12:00.000-07:00

Shirley comes home tonight after being gone for a few days. I am sad.

In any event, I hope her return brings about some stellar material.

Shirley is a hoarder

2008-06-17T10:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what happens to phonebooks? Most people either throw them away, or just keep a set. You know like the most recent year. But not Shirley. Oh no cause that would be normal. She keeps them all. She is so weird. I really can't say that enough.

Things have been pretty quiet around the ranch. Doris is still gone and Shirley left for a couple days. Woohoo! Time to redecorate.

How Douchebag got his name

2008-06-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

1. He thinks the Ranch is his personal doggie daycare. He drops off his dog just about every morning (or leaves it there if he spends the night). Generally is doesn't pick up Rat Dog until late.

2. On the weekends, instead of going out with Shirley, he drops off his dog to party then calls her at 3am to pick Rat Dog up.

3. He has a key to the place and lets himself in and hangs out when Shirley isn't around.

4. He lets Shirley do his laundry. Shirley is dumb.

Tuesday night roundup!

2008-06-11T12:01:00.000-07:00

Nothing too out of the ordinary, but nonetheless, very annoying.

- K, so I know groceries are expensive...times are tough. But why did Shirley have to steal my last banana that I was planning on incorporating into a delicious and nutritious breakfast?

- Who turns on the air (a douche, perhaps?) at 3am? The thermostat said 74 degrees. That is not hot. Air conditioning is expensive people! You can bet Douchebag isn't chipping in. Believe that.

- I was awoken by the sounds last night of Rat Dog and Shirley's dog barking and running all over the ranch. Yesssssss.

**Doris went home for the week so I am sure these shenanigans will continue all week. Aww yea!

The legendary donut

2008-06-10T11:32:00.000-07:00

What's this all about donuts in the bathroom you ask? Let me tell you.

A few weeks back, I came home on a Sunday afternoon. I went into my bathroom to find a box of donuts (not even the good kind) next to the toilet. Apparently Douchebag had drank a wee bit too much the night before and got sick. And he thought donuts would help him feel better. I often eat donuts while sitting on the can. But since he is in his own world, much like Shirley, he didn't even think to clean up after himself.

And that my friends is my story about finding donuts in the bathroom.

You can't make this up

2008-06-08T19:30:00.000-07:00

Doris alerted me to the fact today that Shirley has a jar of Peter Pan peanut butter next to her bed...for decoration. Shirley loooooves her some Peter Pan!

New decor at the ranch

2008-06-07T18:25:00.000-07:00

The decor above the fridge is amazing. Dead flowers, empty liquor bottles. Very classy.

So my cowboy and I finished up a bottle of wine and I left the empty bottle in the kitchen and was going to throw it away later. Little did I know, I have contributed to the mood here at the ranch!

Check it-

Shirley sucks at laundry

2008-06-04T09:09:00.001-07:00

It is really so trivial, really. But I just don't understand it.

Shirley will often start a load of laundry before leaving for work or just running errands. But then that leaves me or Doris to deal with it if we need to do ours. Just common courtesy really. Which Shirley has none. Last night Shirley did a load of laundry with a single pair of jeans. This morning was the kicker. Before she left for work, I guess it was really important that she had TWO dish towels clean. Honestly. How dumb is that? It's so wasteful. And so wetarded.

An open letter

2008-06-03T09:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Shirley,

I know on your days off, you keep a busy schedule. Between doing your boyfriend's laundry, following Christian pop-punk bands around and hanging out with 21 year olds, it is hard to find time to do your own laundry. But, can you please not wait until 1am to start it? I think maybe you forgot that the washer and dryer share a wall with my bedroom.

Thanks,
Ranch Wrangler